It hurts -- New People

I have never been able to tell if it's that I'm over sensitive and soft, weak even or if the people I chose for mates were really that bad. I'm surprised that despite the fact that I'm aware of how self absorbed and all around assholey these people can be it damn well seems they're trying their best to hurt and that it hurts so much. Now it's not true for all of them but gosh it hurts sometimes and I cant for the life of me see why? I haven't done something that out of order have I? I don't really think I have ever inflicted this kind of pointless pain on people. I mean I'll be the first to admit I'm an asshole but wow.

I need to surround myself with some better people. This isn't right. I don't know how others relate with their friends but it can't be like this everywhere. I don't want to be part of this anymore.

So, I guess I'm taking applications. I'm not perfect and I wont always be the person I should but I tell you what I won't ever intend to treat you as it feels they treat me.

AAAAHHHHH!!!! -- Letting Go

I've never been very good at letting go. I don't like it, never have, need to get used to it. Letting go is not easy. At least I've never found it easy. I went to a number of schools, have loved and lost, seen suicides and watched friends move on or be left behind. I'm not very good at letting go of people. Of feelings or things.

The overwhelming thing I fall back to however is that whatever, life goes on. The world keeps spinning and before you know it another day is upon us.

I really would like to be better at compartmentalising. For those who might not know what I mean is that I can take a situation or feeling box it, store it and move on. It is a coping mechanism that many people use. It is a useful tool but can be very unhealthy.

I'm about to do another goodbye. I don't like them. I certainly don't begrudge my friends moving on to bigger and better things. Or at least I hope I don't. Just wish I could journey with them I suppose. Particularly good friends. Mind you in this case I don't think I'm half as important as I thought I may have been whoops. The flawed mindset of thinking you are important to someone as they are to you. I thought I may have already learnt that lesson but here it is again.

So goodbye my love. I'll miss our talks and our time. It is time to take the plunge and watch the rivers of time and life flowing onwards into the sea of.... yes thats a big load of crap. Goodluck my heart. I wish you all the best. Don't forget those you leave behind Icaris.