Three Steps Forward, Two Steps Back -- Scattered

This seems sometimes to be the way of things. The three steps forward, two steps back. Probably not accurate but there you go feelings have never been a good judge of anything. I have been thinking about a lot of things the last couple days although nothing with much clarity or focus. Thoughts bouncing round my head and out my ears before I can chain them down. Where things are going, what I'm doing about it? How to fix my car and practise all those things I've been doing and work too much and try keep/get fit? Then there are the unusual ones.

I really love the poem Desiderata by Max Ehrmann (link at the bottom)  there are some great snippets in there. Particularly the bit about fears being brought on by fatigue and loneliness. Things seem more trouble, more painful and all around you have a little less patients when you're tired. I remind myself of it often. Sometimes I hope it is the truth. How much further can I push myself? I am sleeping better than I have for a long time. Well kinda.

Still tough days are tough. I've never liked Valentines day. I'm not a fan of most of the other Hallmark holidays either however I reserve a particular distaste for the fourteenth of February. I wont harp on about it, did that last time. I didn't do much though, worked, danced, drank and slept. All in all not a bad day at all. Today was much the same although I've only completed the working bit... So far

Essentially this one is about how scattered I have been the last few days. Not being able to pull together anything really helpful. I'm annoyed and angry and missing people and hurting. Despite it all I'm fairly contented just too busy to think too much about it. I don't think this is living in the moment like they talk about but I don't have much space for other things either. I don't have the space or the place to think anything really good right now. It is an interesting feeling. Being stretched like this. None of these things are out of control and yet...

Talk to you next time
Cheers Japetto

Desiderata - Max Ehrmann
http://www.lordtonymackenzie.com/desiderata.html

AAAAHHHHH!!!! -- Letting Go

I've never been very good at letting go. I don't like it, never have, need to get used to it. Letting go is not easy. At least I've never found it easy. I went to a number of schools, have loved and lost, seen suicides and watched friends move on or be left behind. I'm not very good at letting go of people. Of feelings or things.

The overwhelming thing I fall back to however is that whatever, life goes on. The world keeps spinning and before you know it another day is upon us.

I really would like to be better at compartmentalising. For those who might not know what I mean is that I can take a situation or feeling box it, store it and move on. It is a coping mechanism that many people use. It is a useful tool but can be very unhealthy.

I'm about to do another goodbye. I don't like them. I certainly don't begrudge my friends moving on to bigger and better things. Or at least I hope I don't. Just wish I could journey with them I suppose. Particularly good friends. Mind you in this case I don't think I'm half as important as I thought I may have been whoops. The flawed mindset of thinking you are important to someone as they are to you. I thought I may have already learnt that lesson but here it is again.

So goodbye my love. I'll miss our talks and our time. It is time to take the plunge and watch the rivers of time and life flowing onwards into the sea of.... yes thats a big load of crap. Goodluck my heart. I wish you all the best. Don't forget those you leave behind Icaris.