Don't read too much into this.

It's been six weeks since I've done one of these. It has been a damn busy six weeks too. Uni getting down to business, work mostly just getting int he way and not paying enough. Picked up a hobby again. Won't tell you about it, it's slightly embarrassing. The idea that we should confront ourselves with who we are is important. It is dangerous. It is also not a certain thing. The view we have of ourselves is limited at best only by a wanting to be the best self and at the worst is entirely inaccurate for a whole bunch of reasons.

For these reasons and others maybe we have friends to guide us and shape us in the ways we would like. Perhaps sometimes you can get back on track with a gentle nudge, as long as they nudge the way you want.

I'm beating round the bush.

I often feel pretty crappy, not sick, but just really low. Depression is definitely a real thing and has very real effects. Causes are often different and the manifestations too. I'm ok with this. What concerns me is the why. I don't understand why. In investigating what it could be with doctors and others alike, I have become familiar with waiting and the mediocrity of receptionists. I'm concerned though that it's not something easily fixable.

I'm worried that my brain is frying. I don't feel as clever or switched on as I used to be. It takes me longer to grasp things than it used to and extrapolating on that is getting harder. I'm losing track of time, imagining things and becoming forgetful. Feel like I'm relating really poorly with people, doing and saying terrible things, not because I want to but because I misread or phrase things wrong. Maybe these are the signs of growing up? Maybe these are normal? I don't know.

That scares the crap out of me. It's probably not even true. Certainly today I'm not in the correct space to make a good call and that certainly isn't a good one. I just want to be normal(ish). That would be nice. Then I wouldn't write about this stuff and I'd just go about doing what needs to be done, seeing people who wish to be seen and all the rest that people like you do. To focus on the important stuff in life not the trivial or the stuff that doesn't even effect.

Lovers and Friends -- Redifining

Look around, at the people you know. It seems many of them have these wonderful support groups. Surrounded by lovers and people for them, people who trust and are trusted to help and accept. Friends is what I figure they are. Not so sure if that is correct anymore. People still have these groups around them, people who trust, love, support and sustain. But is that what a friend is?

They say you can judge a man by the company he keeps. I ask these questions from a place of sadness. There is no anger in the passing of a lover. Such things happen but mourning at the loss of something that was always so wonderful and ever present. We each make our choices and there is no prize for self sacrifice. What would be left to love if it has all been sacrificed unto the alter of others?

People do things they think are right, or at least ok. It is hindsight providing the insight into err. How much damage can you do before things don't heal. Can you forgive the blunder. When the bandage is moved with it still pump red to the soil enriching the dirt with your essence. Are all men born equal or are some more equal than others?

Collections of Scatters -- Disconnected Thoughts, Worries

So here are a few of the thoughts that have started for me recently but failed to develop into whole posts. Then there will some stuff about where I have been in my head just recently.

 Post 1
People are both stronger and more fragile than they appear. This is concerning. It may have been mentioned before that I'm not the nicest guy around and I stick to this regardless of how things may appear. There are a few reasons for this and most of them are to do with making choices.When presented with a situation there is generally the feeling of this is what we believe is the right choice to make. The problem lies when someone refuses to make that choice. Not makes a mistake of judgement but rather decides to do something else. 




Post 2
Music has been strange recently, hasn't it? Seriously Call Me Maybe on the back of Friday and now Gangnam Style. Finding more and more people rejecting 'artist's' such as Nicki Minaj. It has been rather fascinating watching the changes and where they might go next. Independent music has been on the up and up. It seems more and more that commercial radio is being phased out and being replaced by people downloading and playing their own. Now with the horrible percentage of ads removed could this possibly change. Or is this one giant mistake and illusion based on demographics and familiarity. Have things maybe always been like this?



 The Last Week
Recently I've been fighting the depression that is my... constant struggle? I don't really know how to describe it. I mean I fight with myself trying to instil a believe of self worth. The annoying thing is that I'm not sure what it is all about. Just that there be a lack of some chemical in my head and I have to try really hard to change it. I mean really none of that is even confirmed. Just I recognize it as what it is and try to deal with it. It is hard though to encourage yourself when you don't believe a word of it. That I think is why I certainly find value in human interactions. This isn't supposed to manipulate anyone who reads this overly but rather a way of me expressing my struggles.

And it is a struggle. Regardless I'm worried. I'm worried that I'm not in the right place that I've missed some mystical choice that would put me somewhere that I'm supposed to be. The idea is foreign, foolish.  Crazy I am where I am and that is the way of things yet it worries me. I have been making poor choice and this is no excuse but it does exacerbate (make worse) things. Not really a fan of that lost sensation. Still nearly time for me to go celebrate a birthday. I really hope I don't fail them as well.