It's been six weeks since I've done one of these. It has been a damn busy six weeks too. Uni getting down to business, work mostly just getting int he way and not paying enough. Picked up a hobby again. Won't tell you about it, it's slightly embarrassing. The idea that we should confront ourselves with who we are is important. It is dangerous. It is also not a certain thing. The view we have of ourselves is limited at best only by a wanting to be the best self and at the worst is entirely inaccurate for a whole bunch of reasons.
For these reasons and others maybe we have friends to guide us and shape us in the ways we would like. Perhaps sometimes you can get back on track with a gentle nudge, as long as they nudge the way you want.
I'm beating round the bush.
I often feel pretty crappy, not sick, but just really low. Depression is definitely a real thing and has very real effects. Causes are often different and the manifestations too. I'm ok with this. What concerns me is the why. I don't understand why. In investigating what it could be with doctors and others alike, I have become familiar with waiting and the mediocrity of receptionists. I'm concerned though that it's not something easily fixable.
I'm worried that my brain is frying. I don't feel as clever or switched on as I used to be. It takes me longer to grasp things than it used to and extrapolating on that is getting harder. I'm losing track of time, imagining things and becoming forgetful. Feel like I'm relating really poorly with people, doing and saying terrible things, not because I want to but because I misread or phrase things wrong. Maybe these are the signs of growing up? Maybe these are normal? I don't know.
That scares the crap out of me. It's probably not even true. Certainly today I'm not in the correct space to make a good call and that certainly isn't a good one. I just want to be normal(ish). That would be nice. Then I wouldn't write about this stuff and I'd just go about doing what needs to be done, seeing people who wish to be seen and all the rest that people like you do. To focus on the important stuff in life not the trivial or the stuff that doesn't even effect.
Showing posts with label wondering. Show all posts
Showing posts with label wondering. Show all posts
Tuesday, 28 May 2013
Friday, 15 March 2013
Lovers and Friends -- Redifining
Look around, at the people you know. It seems many of them have these wonderful support groups. Surrounded by lovers and people for them, people who trust and are trusted to help and accept. Friends is what I figure they are. Not so sure if that is correct anymore. People still have these groups around them, people who trust, love, support and sustain. But is that what a friend is?
They say you can judge a man by the company he keeps. I ask these questions from a place of sadness. There is no anger in the passing of a lover. Such things happen but mourning at the loss of something that was always so wonderful and ever present. We each make our choices and there is no prize for self sacrifice. What would be left to love if it has all been sacrificed unto the alter of others?
People do things they think are right, or at least ok. It is hindsight providing the insight into err. How much damage can you do before things don't heal. Can you forgive the blunder. When the bandage is moved with it still pump red to the soil enriching the dirt with your essence. Are all men born equal or are some more equal than others?
They say you can judge a man by the company he keeps. I ask these questions from a place of sadness. There is no anger in the passing of a lover. Such things happen but mourning at the loss of something that was always so wonderful and ever present. We each make our choices and there is no prize for self sacrifice. What would be left to love if it has all been sacrificed unto the alter of others?
People do things they think are right, or at least ok. It is hindsight providing the insight into err. How much damage can you do before things don't heal. Can you forgive the blunder. When the bandage is moved with it still pump red to the soil enriching the dirt with your essence. Are all men born equal or are some more equal than others?
Monday, 18 February 2013
Lots of Question -- Older You Are The Less You Know
I feel that for the first piece of moderately introspective writing of the year I should, perhaps, in light of the times examine the end of last year and optimistically project on to this year. Figure it is two months late though. It was also single awareness day this week, missed that too. So why do we have these tendencies. These strange desires to look on the past and project in to the futures neither of which are accurate realities or even real. To make days out of nothing and resolutions. It is true that you reap what you sow and also that you see what you wish to see.
The struggle is the balance of doing what is good for me, the individual and yet live without being overly selfish, where ever you set that bar. Balance in what is right for the only life I have and having kindness and compassion for others. Showing the right amount of genuine interest in the lives of others. The other thing is what happens when those close to you, the ones you invest in their well being, what happens when they don't respond or no longer respond. When they move away or move on. How long do you hold on, can you always move together? Obviously I struggle with these because I see and experience them, but what do I miss?
When I applied for uni I applied for a mixture of engineering and psychology. People are fascinating, what makes them tick, what makes you do what you do and why do we make the choices when they seem like the opposite of what we should do. The difficulty being there doesn't seem to be many good answers. People split between how we believe the brain works, where does the human being lay in the brain what is pulling the strings, (if someone knows an answer for this please let me know). Where does attraction lie and what stops people taking the plunge doing things which they may not have considered. How much more effort does it take?
There are so many questions about people and life. So much is known but ever more questions. Through all this, tomorrow I will go to work to make sure I can keep eating. Can't help but feel I could almost be doing something better with my time.
The struggle is the balance of doing what is good for me, the individual and yet live without being overly selfish, where ever you set that bar. Balance in what is right for the only life I have and having kindness and compassion for others. Showing the right amount of genuine interest in the lives of others. The other thing is what happens when those close to you, the ones you invest in their well being, what happens when they don't respond or no longer respond. When they move away or move on. How long do you hold on, can you always move together? Obviously I struggle with these because I see and experience them, but what do I miss?
When I applied for uni I applied for a mixture of engineering and psychology. People are fascinating, what makes them tick, what makes you do what you do and why do we make the choices when they seem like the opposite of what we should do. The difficulty being there doesn't seem to be many good answers. People split between how we believe the brain works, where does the human being lay in the brain what is pulling the strings, (if someone knows an answer for this please let me know). Where does attraction lie and what stops people taking the plunge doing things which they may not have considered. How much more effort does it take?
There are so many questions about people and life. So much is known but ever more questions. Through all this, tomorrow I will go to work to make sure I can keep eating. Can't help but feel I could almost be doing something better with my time.
Tuesday, 31 July 2012
Poets, Biology and Psychcology -- It's a Beautiful World
Halfway through year eleven was when poetry changed. Approximately mid 2005 that would be. It went from something meaningless a pointless object of study to something more. Eloquence is important eloquence adds something beautiful to otherwise purely functional language, language that would not make a whole lot of sense. The way writers would construct words and meanings from seemingly unrelated tangents and images. The imagining that goes into it was; is wonderful. The study of poetry, still nearly meaningless though. The power of imagination is truly astounding.
Current thoughts in regards to the workings of people propose the idea that our brains, which receive electrical signals, use that information to construct what we see, hear, smell, etc. That information has still gone from the 'real' world and been converted to digital. As with all ADC's (Analogue to Digital Converter) there is signal loss. Still our brains create this amazing world. This detailed, beautiful and amazing world that we are part of. We imagine this! How great is that. It is however altered by our perceptions of the information we receive. Analogies and personification lending meaning because of our understanding of non-literal ideas. A perception of a reality that we refuse to believe lending meaning to an eloquence seldom achieved by the layman.
The same applies to memories. Did you know our brains fill in gaps for information we don't have as long as they have evidence of an event. Sorry there is no reference but there was a study done of people who had been to Disney land five years after they had. At an interview at this time they were all shown a picture of themselves with Bugs Bunny. 80% of people claimed they remembered having the photo taken... But Bugs Bunny is a Warner Bros. character. It is important to remember this. Living in memories, living in the past is a dangerous place to be. But when I go outside, the Botanical garden are right there, this is a centre of learning full of potential, of hope, of youth and wisdom. This is a beautiful world. Poets are right to write of love and beauty and loss so we remember that the bad will come but this moment too will pass.
Current thoughts in regards to the workings of people propose the idea that our brains, which receive electrical signals, use that information to construct what we see, hear, smell, etc. That information has still gone from the 'real' world and been converted to digital. As with all ADC's (Analogue to Digital Converter) there is signal loss. Still our brains create this amazing world. This detailed, beautiful and amazing world that we are part of. We imagine this! How great is that. It is however altered by our perceptions of the information we receive. Analogies and personification lending meaning because of our understanding of non-literal ideas. A perception of a reality that we refuse to believe lending meaning to an eloquence seldom achieved by the layman.
The same applies to memories. Did you know our brains fill in gaps for information we don't have as long as they have evidence of an event. Sorry there is no reference but there was a study done of people who had been to Disney land five years after they had. At an interview at this time they were all shown a picture of themselves with Bugs Bunny. 80% of people claimed they remembered having the photo taken... But Bugs Bunny is a Warner Bros. character. It is important to remember this. Living in memories, living in the past is a dangerous place to be. But when I go outside, the Botanical garden are right there, this is a centre of learning full of potential, of hope, of youth and wisdom. This is a beautiful world. Poets are right to write of love and beauty and loss so we remember that the bad will come but this moment too will pass.
Sunday, 22 July 2012
You're wrong I'm right -- Expectations
So the thing about not sleeping, about not being able to sleep, is that everything is infinitely worse when you are tired like that. For those of you that may know what it is like you may disagree but I find the bit where you just lay there the most annoying. Not being kept up by an over active brain or because you had to finish that book, episode, trilogy, whatever. But up because you are not asleep. I hate that loathe. Anyway as is the case with running on ridiculously few hours of sleep there are the inevitable and variable mood swings. You go from OK, to full of energy (your body interprets not being able to sleep similar to death and hits the system with every ones friend adrenaline) and bouts of melancholy.
Anyway that was kinda what has been happening but in other news I'm quite hard on people. The people I associate with anyway. I expect more and better of them all the time. This is a problem. I have exceptionally high expectations of myself too, most of which I never come close to meeting but that is not the problem I feel I should be dealing with. The big one is the expectations I have of others. There is no need for them. I already like them I wont like them overly much more if they do what I want. It only hinders, boxes them in a place I have no right to put them.
Again this is not anything really to do with them. If the world was as I wished it the whole place would be a lot nicer and I'd be a damn sight better looking. The problem with idealism I suppose... I do like ideals and idealism and it's why I would be no good in government. The ability to be more practically available is a great help for such things. That idea has some merit in evaluating current political climates as well as social situations. I've always been confused by the American republican party. They are so idealistic and that really does not work. They also have some quite conflicting philosophies I thought. I would need to look into it more to establish a more educated idea about them and to be honest I feel I have better things I could spend my time on.
Still, need to work on expectations. I can't bring my self to expect nothing of others, of the world. So I must manage them. Expect people to be who they are, to be people. To be selfish and loving, to give and take, to hurt and heal. To try to do what they think is the right thing to do. In the end that's all we can do.
Anyway that was kinda what has been happening but in other news I'm quite hard on people. The people I associate with anyway. I expect more and better of them all the time. This is a problem. I have exceptionally high expectations of myself too, most of which I never come close to meeting but that is not the problem I feel I should be dealing with. The big one is the expectations I have of others. There is no need for them. I already like them I wont like them overly much more if they do what I want. It only hinders, boxes them in a place I have no right to put them.
Again this is not anything really to do with them. If the world was as I wished it the whole place would be a lot nicer and I'd be a damn sight better looking. The problem with idealism I suppose... I do like ideals and idealism and it's why I would be no good in government. The ability to be more practically available is a great help for such things. That idea has some merit in evaluating current political climates as well as social situations. I've always been confused by the American republican party. They are so idealistic and that really does not work. They also have some quite conflicting philosophies I thought. I would need to look into it more to establish a more educated idea about them and to be honest I feel I have better things I could spend my time on.
Still, need to work on expectations. I can't bring my self to expect nothing of others, of the world. So I must manage them. Expect people to be who they are, to be people. To be selfish and loving, to give and take, to hurt and heal. To try to do what they think is the right thing to do. In the end that's all we can do.
Sunday, 8 July 2012
Wrathfully inspired -- Friends, Being Better
So had lots of thoughts the last few days. None of them fully formed (would you expect anything else) and most of them next to useless but nice to explore regardless.
So, where to start. The astute of you may notice that it is 0022hrs Sunday, 8th July 2012. This means that not that long ago it was Saturday and obviously this is a blog. That may imply that I wasn't out tonight, or at least not for very long, or if I did something remarkable happened. I'm blogging guess what it was?
Anyway as I have been home all evening wanted to write about expectations. I have found it common that people like to say they have no expectations of people, of their friends. Now, in principle I probably agree with the sentiment. Certainly not a fan of dependent relationships. However in practise I expect things of my friends. I expect them to behave like human beings. I feel the people who I choose to associate with are reflections of me, who I want to be and what I like. These people I want to be around are my peers by my choice. They are lucky however I want to be honoured and proud to know them. To spend my time, precious time split between many things with these people. Does that not give them some responsibility?
I mean I want people to be proud to call me friend. To want to know me, want to see me and I want to be the best person I can, not just for me because I can but because I can help to enrich yours and their lives. This is partly what this whole blog is about. I'm a human being with and experience hopefully you get something from my experience, something that helps you be a better human, whatever that means to you. I have a responsibility to you to not be a dick. To help you more than I hinder. Yet we are all human and within these parameters people can be disappointed and let down and hurt. Not all of that can be made right.
That there is a scary thought. I can hurt my friends, I do hurt my friends. I need to be better to my friends but how do I do that. I mean treating other people as I want to be treated doesn't work. It's a nice sentiment but doesn't really work. I just need to work at the relationships. I want them to do the same.
SO what I'm saying is I'm proud of the people I call friend. I expect better of them. I'm OK that they disappoint me and let me down, it sucks, I'll get over it. I hope they are proud of me. I hope I am better to them. I hope I bring something positive to their lives.
So, where to start. The astute of you may notice that it is 0022hrs Sunday, 8th July 2012. This means that not that long ago it was Saturday and obviously this is a blog. That may imply that I wasn't out tonight, or at least not for very long, or if I did something remarkable happened. I'm blogging guess what it was?
Anyway as I have been home all evening wanted to write about expectations. I have found it common that people like to say they have no expectations of people, of their friends. Now, in principle I probably agree with the sentiment. Certainly not a fan of dependent relationships. However in practise I expect things of my friends. I expect them to behave like human beings. I feel the people who I choose to associate with are reflections of me, who I want to be and what I like. These people I want to be around are my peers by my choice. They are lucky however I want to be honoured and proud to know them. To spend my time, precious time split between many things with these people. Does that not give them some responsibility?
I mean I want people to be proud to call me friend. To want to know me, want to see me and I want to be the best person I can, not just for me because I can but because I can help to enrich yours and their lives. This is partly what this whole blog is about. I'm a human being with and experience hopefully you get something from my experience, something that helps you be a better human, whatever that means to you. I have a responsibility to you to not be a dick. To help you more than I hinder. Yet we are all human and within these parameters people can be disappointed and let down and hurt. Not all of that can be made right.
That there is a scary thought. I can hurt my friends, I do hurt my friends. I need to be better to my friends but how do I do that. I mean treating other people as I want to be treated doesn't work. It's a nice sentiment but doesn't really work. I just need to work at the relationships. I want them to do the same.
SO what I'm saying is I'm proud of the people I call friend. I expect better of them. I'm OK that they disappoint me and let me down, it sucks, I'll get over it. I hope they are proud of me. I hope I am better to them. I hope I bring something positive to their lives.
Friday, 15 June 2012
This Could Get Messy -- God and Living
I'm really appreciating how young I am instead of feeling like an old bastard (damn you uni). I look at my life and I SO don't have anything together yet. The realisation came however that, that's fine, I'm young. Hell, I look around me and I can't recognise any other people my age who have it together. Not even those whom are married and have kids or are looking to get married and all of that. We all have our things. It is truly amazing. This isn't even a comparison issue either. It doesn't make any difference whether I'm more or less together than you, or him, or her, or them! I think that is my favourite bit. It just stops at, 'I don't have it all together yet'. I don't know if you ever do have it together or perhaps you get it together and lose it again. Honestly none of that matters. I'm fine with not being together now. Some people might say that is living in the moment.
I'm not really sure what living in the moment is. When someone says it I think I know what they are talking about however it is one of those things that so many talk about. People preach the virtues of living in the moment, yet it seems so few do it. Obviously not that great. Or so stupidly difficult that most people can never hope to achieve. I also wonder about the whole YOLO thing, You Only Live Once (or You Obviously Like Owls, thank you Jeph Jacques at Questionable Content). People use it as a justification to do some of the stupidest things. If anything it is a reason to live cautiously.
There are many schools of thought on this. Most of the monotheists believe in some sort of life after death and it will be good, as long as you believe what they tell you to believe. The others more of a reincarnation thing. I mean in each of these you really can do what you like cause they will let you either have another try or you go into the big vast void of paradise. If you are a true atheist however, or refute the concept of after life then you in essence have two options really. It's not really this simple but for ease of concept. You can either go, 'fuck this', eat fuck drink sleep do what you like as long as if fits within that personal code of ethics or live like this is all you ever got and it is your one chance to do something. Generally people slide between the two of those. True atheism the belief in nothing, in nothing but probability and chance scares me. I don't like Karma, people rarely get what they deserve and the monotheistic religions concern me in their exclusivity.
For your information I grew up in a christian household the eldest son of ministers. My folks however are a little unorthodox in their beliefs and that's about all I can tell you about what they believe. I however, am bitter and cynical about churches and the people involved with them. My problem mostly stems from the way they prioritise things according to if I serve church, I am therefore serving God. It is a dangerous way to be. This isn't a conscious thought either. I found that there should be a much greater emphasis on people. Don't go to church or something churchie at the expense of seeing a secular friend. Don't go to a weekly group because that is 'serving God', instead of your friends birthday (yes this did happen). That is where religion has made its greatest mistake I think. The concept that I must put God first and I find God at church or church things or that somehow it is easier to find God there. Particularly for Christianity. This secular idea of God where it is outside of you and your life, so you either do God or you do human, and with the traditional doctrine of original sin you are generally wanting to do things which god does not like, cause you are bad.
I really struggled with that and as such I reject too much. Babies and bathwater you know. Atheism scares the shit out of me and I think the translation and re translation of holy books has been so muddied that true meaning is lost. There are still some truly wonderful and beautiful things in them. The song of Soloman is a fantastic example of erotic literature. I struggle with these things and the champions of their causes. You may read that I like a balance a bit of left and right and I don't think this is any different. The other option is the justification for there being few true believers. Anyway that's a thought for another time this is already really long. I really hope I don't spark some great debate between people or insight too much unfair criticisms of my ideas. They are thoughts ever changing and moving from one moment to the next. I live across all of them and I pick the ones that suit me at the time. I'll talk to you guys soon.
James
Links: Twitter
And something that changed some of the styles of my thinking... God's Debris
P.S. I'm sorry I am not a better writer who is better able to convey and explain ideas which are probably exceptionally confusing.
I'm not really sure what living in the moment is. When someone says it I think I know what they are talking about however it is one of those things that so many talk about. People preach the virtues of living in the moment, yet it seems so few do it. Obviously not that great. Or so stupidly difficult that most people can never hope to achieve. I also wonder about the whole YOLO thing, You Only Live Once (or You Obviously Like Owls, thank you Jeph Jacques at Questionable Content). People use it as a justification to do some of the stupidest things. If anything it is a reason to live cautiously.
There are many schools of thought on this. Most of the monotheists believe in some sort of life after death and it will be good, as long as you believe what they tell you to believe. The others more of a reincarnation thing. I mean in each of these you really can do what you like cause they will let you either have another try or you go into the big vast void of paradise. If you are a true atheist however, or refute the concept of after life then you in essence have two options really. It's not really this simple but for ease of concept. You can either go, 'fuck this', eat fuck drink sleep do what you like as long as if fits within that personal code of ethics or live like this is all you ever got and it is your one chance to do something. Generally people slide between the two of those. True atheism the belief in nothing, in nothing but probability and chance scares me. I don't like Karma, people rarely get what they deserve and the monotheistic religions concern me in their exclusivity.
For your information I grew up in a christian household the eldest son of ministers. My folks however are a little unorthodox in their beliefs and that's about all I can tell you about what they believe. I however, am bitter and cynical about churches and the people involved with them. My problem mostly stems from the way they prioritise things according to if I serve church, I am therefore serving God. It is a dangerous way to be. This isn't a conscious thought either. I found that there should be a much greater emphasis on people. Don't go to church or something churchie at the expense of seeing a secular friend. Don't go to a weekly group because that is 'serving God', instead of your friends birthday (yes this did happen). That is where religion has made its greatest mistake I think. The concept that I must put God first and I find God at church or church things or that somehow it is easier to find God there. Particularly for Christianity. This secular idea of God where it is outside of you and your life, so you either do God or you do human, and with the traditional doctrine of original sin you are generally wanting to do things which god does not like, cause you are bad.
I really struggled with that and as such I reject too much. Babies and bathwater you know. Atheism scares the shit out of me and I think the translation and re translation of holy books has been so muddied that true meaning is lost. There are still some truly wonderful and beautiful things in them. The song of Soloman is a fantastic example of erotic literature. I struggle with these things and the champions of their causes. You may read that I like a balance a bit of left and right and I don't think this is any different. The other option is the justification for there being few true believers. Anyway that's a thought for another time this is already really long. I really hope I don't spark some great debate between people or insight too much unfair criticisms of my ideas. They are thoughts ever changing and moving from one moment to the next. I live across all of them and I pick the ones that suit me at the time. I'll talk to you guys soon.
James
Links: Twitter
And something that changed some of the styles of my thinking... God's Debris
P.S. I'm sorry I am not a better writer who is better able to convey and explain ideas which are probably exceptionally confusing.
Wednesday, 6 June 2012
Learning and Improving -- Compentence or Incompentence?
I'm not sure how we are supposed to take something things. Things happen and then how do we deal with them? What is the next step? What I find more concerning is, 'where I find the answer to that question?'
Do we look to the Internet? Well, maybe for some things but do you think the Internet is the best place for advice, dating advice or on dealing with that other obscure hypothetical situation that is really happening. Do we look at TV and movies? I sincerely hope people don't look at Hollywood but I would imagine it is a little truer than most of us would care to admit. However in favour of Hollywood it would certainly make life easier to know that one day your prince charming will come or the girl next door will turn out to fall in love with the slightly awkward, smart and you know the drill... Is there redeeming TV? I suppose books might have some answers but I don't think I've really seen lasting self help books. It all sounds well and good but only ever a small amount of it lasts, but you did a lot of reading for seemingly just a small fraction of a change. One sentence different from a book of hundreds of pages that is your life.
However maybe that is how it goes. Maybe it's not all about making changes now about altering my life's course, not dodging the ice burgs rather gently brushing... well maybe that's a bad example. Still small little adjustments one at a time. Does this work? When confronted by something can I kinda go, 'yeah', and stay basically the same just subtly changing; so much so it is hardly noticeable.
My point was mostly that I'm not sure how well this stuff works. I don't know if any of it works if some is better or much really. Where do we get this experience from? I rather like self analysis (in healthy form) however how do you know you're analysing right? This was all sparked by this article I read about whether someone who is truly incompetent can know they are in fact incompetent. It carries on saying how to self evaluate you need to be somewhat competent. So the again how could the incompetent know they are incompetent? In fact it is often shown that people who are incompetent thing they are most defiantly competent. So am I good at knowing how to change myself for the better? Am I a competent human being? Can be a better one? Or am I kidding myself?
I think I'm doing not too bad a job.
P.S. Article for your perusal, I thought it was interesting.
P.P.S. Twitter I'm still working on using it.
Do we look to the Internet? Well, maybe for some things but do you think the Internet is the best place for advice, dating advice or on dealing with that other obscure hypothetical situation that is really happening. Do we look at TV and movies? I sincerely hope people don't look at Hollywood but I would imagine it is a little truer than most of us would care to admit. However in favour of Hollywood it would certainly make life easier to know that one day your prince charming will come or the girl next door will turn out to fall in love with the slightly awkward, smart and you know the drill... Is there redeeming TV? I suppose books might have some answers but I don't think I've really seen lasting self help books. It all sounds well and good but only ever a small amount of it lasts, but you did a lot of reading for seemingly just a small fraction of a change. One sentence different from a book of hundreds of pages that is your life.
However maybe that is how it goes. Maybe it's not all about making changes now about altering my life's course, not dodging the ice burgs rather gently brushing... well maybe that's a bad example. Still small little adjustments one at a time. Does this work? When confronted by something can I kinda go, 'yeah', and stay basically the same just subtly changing; so much so it is hardly noticeable.
My point was mostly that I'm not sure how well this stuff works. I don't know if any of it works if some is better or much really. Where do we get this experience from? I rather like self analysis (in healthy form) however how do you know you're analysing right? This was all sparked by this article I read about whether someone who is truly incompetent can know they are in fact incompetent. It carries on saying how to self evaluate you need to be somewhat competent. So the again how could the incompetent know they are incompetent? In fact it is often shown that people who are incompetent thing they are most defiantly competent. So am I good at knowing how to change myself for the better? Am I a competent human being? Can be a better one? Or am I kidding myself?
I think I'm doing not too bad a job.
P.S. Article for your perusal, I thought it was interesting.
P.P.S. Twitter I'm still working on using it.
Monday, 14 May 2012
Not Neccesarily in that Order -- Mistakes and Friends
I hate making mistakes. I think though that I have an amazing ability to make them. I can't for the life of me seem to be able to make the right choices. Perhaps I am being overly critical and almost certainly a hard task master. Irregardless of this I want to make the right decisions. I want things to go well. In what I do, what I think, who I talk to. I can't for the life of me seem to be able to do it.
I can't help but suggest there be flaws in peoples logic and reasoning when they present ideas to me. I don't really want to be like this anymore. I hate making mistakes with people with things and I want to do better. I suppose direction would help, but equally I thought I had some direction. Maybe I don't believe enough in this direction? I certainly feel a little directionless. Or at least all the directions I wanted to go in yesterday are some how wrong today. Someone once they told me that if I was removed from the people around me I would not survive. I don't think this is true but I certainly like having people around me. There are no illusions about being a social creature.
I spoke of sacrifice with another friend of mine. We talked of the willingness to give of our selves and resources for our mates and friends. I remarked that many people are not willing to make those sacrifice that on the most part many like their friends on their terms. We decided this was a shame, but there is nothing wrong with this. I wonder if this is the same for boyfriends or girlfriends (whichever is your fancy). We are often very happy to sacrifice things we care little for but anything important to the individual quickly outstrips the needs of someones friends. This surely is not the case universally but I bet it is damn hard to pick which one is which till it happens.
I hope I'm the right kind if there is one, I hope I make the right choices, and I hope tomorrow I make fewer mistakes.
I can't help but suggest there be flaws in peoples logic and reasoning when they present ideas to me. I don't really want to be like this anymore. I hate making mistakes with people with things and I want to do better. I suppose direction would help, but equally I thought I had some direction. Maybe I don't believe enough in this direction? I certainly feel a little directionless. Or at least all the directions I wanted to go in yesterday are some how wrong today. Someone once they told me that if I was removed from the people around me I would not survive. I don't think this is true but I certainly like having people around me. There are no illusions about being a social creature.
I spoke of sacrifice with another friend of mine. We talked of the willingness to give of our selves and resources for our mates and friends. I remarked that many people are not willing to make those sacrifice that on the most part many like their friends on their terms. We decided this was a shame, but there is nothing wrong with this. I wonder if this is the same for boyfriends or girlfriends (whichever is your fancy). We are often very happy to sacrifice things we care little for but anything important to the individual quickly outstrips the needs of someones friends. This surely is not the case universally but I bet it is damn hard to pick which one is which till it happens.
I hope I'm the right kind if there is one, I hope I make the right choices, and I hope tomorrow I make fewer mistakes.
Saturday, 5 May 2012
Freud -- Facinations
People fascinate me. I'm fascinated by their thoughts, their actions and how they manifest about their bodies. Whether it be tattoos or funny hair, a scarf or hat, or a total lack of care about the way they dress. Their manorisms and looks. This stuff fascinates me. We are the sum of our choices, (yes, I should probably refrence this) and as such we choose who we are to a degree. If one doesnt care about how they appear to others it can mean many things. Whatever it is tells something about that person.
I love looking at these things and wondering, "who are you?". I'm one of those odd people who talks to others on public transport. I'm mostly harmless and I want to hear about who you are... to a degree anyway.
I love looking at these things and wondering, "who are you?". I'm one of those odd people who talks to others on public transport. I'm mostly harmless and I want to hear about who you are... to a degree anyway.
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