Eating, Drinking and Being Merry -- States of Being

So I've been away... for nearly two weeks now. It was uni holidays. Yes I had more time to think but well nothing really worth telling you about. I did however go to Melbourne. That may also have contributed to problems.

I loved Melbourne. It had so much food and drink, they were all over the shop. I went down there for the purpose of seeing a concert with my father. It was a band called, 'Yes', they were excellant and I saw them at a place called 'the Palazio'. It was a truely wonderful venue. IT was a converted old cinema or theatre. Big commpfy leather seats two teir and just a lovely venue. The band was amazing, I hear with a change, maybe two to the line up they would be even better but I tell you what I was stoked to see them and very impressed.

I tried swordfish and drank a variety of beers and cocktails. If I could afford to I'd love to do that all the time. Out with friends, eating and drinking and being merry.

It struck me how much I value and want to do that and want to have people around me to do that too. I also want to be able to afford to do this. What I'll sacrifice to do that I'm not sure yet.

All the things we want to do everywhere you want to be, see and do they cost. Whether it is in money or time, energy, sleep or doing something else. I don't know how you give these things worth but in the end I think I do what will make me happiest. Even if its painful now it may give the oppotunity to be happy in the future. Happy is where I want to be. Its not a goal for me just a state of being sometimes its easier sometimes harder but it is just a state.

So come with me lets eat, drink and be merry.

How things might be -- Stories

This university path that I'm taking is an interesting. New friends and the like but the other day I had an oppotunity to share the last couple years of my story with some guys. They were shocked. They thought it was pretty full on some of the stuff that happened. Despite this, (and it's probably true) I don't think on it as incredibly full on, not now. In reflection some of it wasn't much fun but damn there was a lot of learning to be done. Lots of lessons, lots of growing. Above all, things just keep going. It's one of the reasons I'm always reminded that these things to will pass.

Having said that I don't revel in the oppotunity to share my story as I once did. Not much I can learn from the recount I give. I like to hear theirs, other stories. I like hearing that someone else may have seen what I have that I am connected to them in some distance and convoluted way. I've always been very open about my story though. If someone will ask then I will tell. The story I tell though is just my veiw of it. I will admit it is probably inaccurate, there are many flaws in human memory documented and I am after all just another man.

It has been really interesting going back to uni. There are people all around me younger and older; some even my age. For some of the first years I was working five days a week when they started year eight in high school. Yet others who were working when I was in year eight! I'm really enjoying all the interaction with people. I love being social and it gives me energy. It wont last, there are only so many shallow relationships one can deal with I think but we shall see. There so many ideas, good and bad, opinions right and wrong, and so much pool and beer. Things I like very much.

I'm travelling to Melbourne next week for a concert I'll let you all know about it. Should be a good bit of fun. Going with Dad for music but I can't wait to eat and drink and with those two things going down well I'll be bloody merry!

Talk to you soon.

Smash, Crash, Whoops -- Mistakes

The problem with mistakes is that you can never fix them. Not really. You can do things properly but once you have made the mistake; it's made. I'm always amused at people who say they live with no regrets and for a number of reasons. Particularly people who say they dont regret anything. I tell you what there are things I wish I hadn't done. I regret things but do my best to move on, accept, learn and continue onwards. The whole idea to me that someone has nothing where they say, 'well kinda wish I hadn't done that', is laughable. There has got to be someone who you've hurt, something that you've said, something you've done. There is nothing wrong with regret.

The point is I feel like I should be someplace else. I've lost three years wasting time. This is a silly thought and a totally rediculous dellusional illusion. Just can't shake that feeling that I should just be somewhere not, where I am. Don't get me wrong, I think I'm on the right path, just lagging behind.

Most of this is probably in reference to others, (always a bad place to begin). There is nothing I can do about it, so accept I will and move on. The world after all keeps spinning. Just if you could all stop getting good jobs and careers, getting girlfriends, boyfriends, fiances and spouses. You know just till I've caught up.

Mistakes can be fixed though, just gotta make sure it didn't do too much damage first. I hear time heals all wounds, even if that's not true it must heal a great deal of them.

It hurts -- New People

I have never been able to tell if it's that I'm over sensitive and soft, weak even or if the people I chose for mates were really that bad. I'm surprised that despite the fact that I'm aware of how self absorbed and all around assholey these people can be it damn well seems they're trying their best to hurt and that it hurts so much. Now it's not true for all of them but gosh it hurts sometimes and I cant for the life of me see why? I haven't done something that out of order have I? I don't really think I have ever inflicted this kind of pointless pain on people. I mean I'll be the first to admit I'm an asshole but wow.

I need to surround myself with some better people. This isn't right. I don't know how others relate with their friends but it can't be like this everywhere. I don't want to be part of this anymore.

So, I guess I'm taking applications. I'm not perfect and I wont always be the person I should but I tell you what I won't ever intend to treat you as it feels they treat me.

I know that I don't know -- Knowing

You pay your money, you take your chance. Name of an album by a guy called Bruce Cockburn (co-burn for those snickering). It is not really an overly impacting album, (I do like it howeIver) but more what that title says.

I've picked up a few different statements, seemingly wise ones, that I like to tout or reflect on. This is one is about making your choice and living with it, basically. Another I like is, 'don't ask permission ask for forgiveness'. It is something that could end up getting one in a fair bit of trouble. So take that with a pinch of salt.

See I've had these 'things' recently and you know I'm just not very sure anymore. Not when I'm honest. Don't get me wrong speak to me and I think I have the right of everything but really at heart I don't know and know I don't... know, you knoe? I'm OK with this. I understand that most of the things I do is guess work and I'm wondering if I could settle and survive without making those assumptions, guesses and judgements. I mean anything that is yet to happen, that is this afternoon, tomorrow, next week. I don't know about them. I can tell you now that I will go to work and uni but I don't know this. The same with the past.

One of the problems with talking to people is that it is rare to have true understanding. One thinks they know, hell you assume and truly believe you know what is going on, what it is they're communicating. Particularly as a man someone says they're fine, I believe they are fine. Yet they may not be. I sometimes muse on the things running through my head and I'm pretty sure some of those are sending me to hell. I'm glad I don't communicate them. Could you imagine if people could see into your mind? Might be a bit of fun and a whole lot of trouble!

We live in a world with degrees of sureties. We make the best of the very limited information of others. I mean I am surprised witgh myself sometimes and I've been with me for twenty two years now; how the hell am I going to know some else... ever? I've been damn close to a couple of people and still there is surprise sometimes. It is nice to be wrong about people sometimes. It is fun not knowing sometimes. When I was younger I hated not knowing things. I've grown a bit since then and have resolved myself to the fact that there is no way of really knowing anything and so I let go of it. It's better this way. I can have some more fun.

Cheers guys.
More this week.

Black. White or Grey -- Changes

No one has the power to change you, unless you let them. That one is soully up to you. If you're with someone and you feel that they're changing you, you're wrong. You might be changing; they might be forcing the point. You can bend to that, you can break to that or you can insist upon nothing c  hanging. It may end your relationship. Might be for the best if that is the case. Or you might change them.

As I've written before every action has an equal and opposite reaction. The point is how one looks at it. Do you look at two individuals or the two as a relationship. A relationship is a system, the two parts acting and reacting to each other. What one does will undoubtedly provoke a confrontation with the other, even if they agree with their partner, you are confronted with that choice.

Your partner is inviting change at a conscious and subconscious level. The next step is whether or not you a conscious and aware of the impact they are having on you. This goes the same for friends and aquintences although perhaps not with the same intensity. I feel like people need to hear this. This is probably not the avenue for it mind but it's something.

Time with people in their late teens has reminded me of this stuff. They like to say how you shouldnt judge or if you judge it's your problem, (I'm paraphrasing here). The funny thing if you stop and look at how you as a human being behave. Intrinsically you are eternally judging things. Just to survive. You see a tiger or velociraptor bearing down on you, you don't stop to ask it's intent and meaning behind it's action you fucking well run cause it's going to eat you. The struggle lies in what you do with those judgements. Sometimes running is wise, sometimes confrontation. Sometimes just keeping your mouth closed is good. Unfortunately I can't help with what to do when, they get to be your choice.

The other thing in reguards to this is that I feel that us in our teens, twenties, thirties even and onward for many people are filled up with our self importance. I was speaking with someone who threw down a challenge to me saying that if their shorts were too short that their, "clothing suited their lifestyle and if I judge them for that it is my problem". Now that's cool and whatever but I'm a full time uni student doing engineering who works thirty hours a week and has other things to do as well. I'm pretty busy, there are certainly busier people than I and I can tell you now I really couldnt care less what someone is wearing. Don't get me wrong I can appreciate a nice outfit and laugh at a terrible one however I really don't have time or head space to think any more than that.

Good example yes? I thought so. I'd give a better one but that was the only one that came to mind.

So I think to summerize all of this it's important to stay true to yourself but not to resist change just because it is change. Rather be aware of the influences around you and try to pick the path you believe you want to follow. In the end that's really all we do anyway and maybe looking like this might be able to choose a happier path.

Movies -- Freewill

I have been watching The Adjustment Bureau, a good film if you haven't seen. I got to thinking that one, Emily Blunt is drop dead gorgeous and two, about how we have chance encounters and minor relationships. They come and go, forever and ever and they have lasting and real impacts and consequences.

I wrote a poem about this once even. Those encounters that I have, that you have, the ones on trains, on buses, in clubs or pubs, that person I saw today in the car on Ashmore Road. Sometimes these affects are small; a shift in your taste, in aesthetics, I spent two weeks with some guys who altered me in massive ways though, who changed who and what I am shifted my journey never to go down other paths.

So I was thinking about plans and being a pawn on a board. I don't think I believe in that but even if I did believe in it, it wouldn't matter. I don't know it, the illusion of free will is good enough for me.

So bring on the randoms the people I don't know, those who will change me. Maybe one or two of you will share my journey and I'll be lucky enough to see yours.