Discontent

It's hard to hide the gnashing of teeth,
the accentuated rise and fall of the the chest, the frown,
the agitation and restlessness, the anger,
the rise in pain from wounds not healed! Physical and not.
Hard to dismiss what does not apply and yet the effects that keep affecting.
Your thoughtlessness, choices plain to see,
changes deep as a dried creek bed, relevant only for a single moment.
Bizarre misplaced reasoning leading down the short road to mistakes and heart aches.
We all want our cake and to eat it to,
for what else do you have cake for?

All the while watching and observing,
reflecting on differences and drives,
we shall see what tomorrow brings

Fail Blog -- Love, Language...

So... Found this little article just here. It is really very cool. It has been observed previously (see in the first 3 or 4 blogs) that in Greek there are five words for love yet in English the concept is encompassed by one measly four letter word. I mean we have multiple words that we can substitute in for fuck (some of them even other four letter words), yet only one love. Anyway that article lists some words from other languages and translates them as best as they can. They are to do with relationships and feelings and whilst it is probably a little bit

Anyway where this is going is towards the things that are bigger than they seem. Four letter words, which encompass any  idea. Any definition really. Then to go on to a person, then people and the interactions of people. Eloquence is important and useful. Despite the sometimes difficulties one can have in communicating with an elaborated scope of language at ones disposal. Words are valuable and the depth and scope you can communicate with masterful hand with language is delighting.

(ok break time)
I'd just like it noted at this point that I have been trying to write this for two weeks. It has gone in two totally separate directions and neither went anywhere with any purpose. Things have been frustration are frustration just recently so incoming whiny blog next, you know if there is a point to writing it down :P
Talk soon!

You're wrong I'm right -- Expectations

So the thing about not sleeping, about not being able to sleep, is that everything is infinitely worse when you are tired like that. For those of you that may know what it is like you may disagree but I find the bit where you just lay there the most annoying. Not being kept up by an over active brain or because you had to finish that book, episode, trilogy, whatever. But up because you are not asleep. I hate that loathe. Anyway as is the case with running on ridiculously few hours of sleep there are the inevitable and variable mood swings. You go from OK, to full of energy (your body interprets not being able to sleep similar to death and hits the system with every ones friend adrenaline) and bouts of melancholy.

Anyway that was kinda what has been happening but in other news I'm quite hard on people. The people I associate with anyway. I expect more and better of them all the time. This is a problem. I have exceptionally high expectations of myself too, most of which I never come close to meeting but that is not the problem I feel I should be dealing with. The big one is the expectations I have of others. There is no need for them. I already like them I wont like them overly much more if they do what I want. It only hinders, boxes them in a place I have no right to put them.

Again this is not anything really to do with them. If the world was as I wished it the whole place would be a lot nicer and I'd be a damn sight better looking. The problem with idealism I suppose... I do like ideals and idealism and it's why I would be no good in government. The ability to be more practically available is a great help for such things. That idea has some merit in evaluating current political climates as well as social situations. I've always been confused by the American republican party. They are so idealistic and that really does not work. They also have some quite conflicting philosophies I thought. I would need to look into it more to establish a more educated idea about them and to be honest I feel I have better things I could spend my time on.

Still, need to work on expectations. I can't bring my self to expect nothing of others, of the world. So I must manage them. Expect people to be who they are, to be people. To be selfish and loving, to give and take, to hurt and heal. To try to do what they think is the right thing to do. In the end that's all we can do.

Bitch -- Angry and Frustrated.

I really love language. It is really a great tool. I find it such a shame that I'm told to dumb down my language so people can half understand what I'm saying. It is so frustrating. I don't go out of my way to be difficult but I choose my words carefully. Mostly for their meaning but sometimes just their sound. To be fair this blog isn't really about the sadness of the depleting vocabulary of society. I'm frustrated and angry. I am furious.

I'm not really furious at anything just frustrated at the world. Could be hormones or stress or whatever. Really though. I just want to rant and rave at someone or something. Give me an excuse, say somethings stupid I dare you. I mean I've been wanting to write about space, about understanding, concepts and how difficult understanding can be but fuck! Just you know grrr. It's my birthday this week. I normally like to make it one day a year rather special. This year I'm not really doing anything about it.

It's weird cause in the past I've made it quite important to me, this year however, I'm not. I have a few suspicions why most of them I don't like though. Maybe I'm just growing up, although I don't think so. I'm scattered tonight guys... can you tell? I know I'm overly tired it's probably whats getting to me more than anything. Today I cannot face the things I need to face tomorrow. Yet I have learnt that despite all things the world keeps spinning and tomorrow will come. I will face what I have to tomorrow but today. Today I am angry and frustrated and in needing of a strong drink.

Goodnight

Not Neccesarily in that Order -- Mistakes and Friends

I hate making mistakes. I think though that I have an amazing ability to make them. I can't for the life of me seem to be able to make the right choices. Perhaps I am being overly critical and almost certainly a hard task master. Irregardless of this I want to make the right decisions. I want things to go well. In what I do, what I think, who I talk to. I can't for the life of me seem to be able to do it.

I can't help but suggest there be flaws in peoples logic and reasoning when they present ideas to me. I don't really want to be like this anymore. I hate making mistakes with people with things and I want to do better. I suppose direction would help, but equally I thought I had some direction. Maybe I don't believe enough in this direction? I certainly feel a little directionless. Or at least all the directions I wanted to go in yesterday are some how wrong today. Someone once they told me that if I was removed from the people around me I would not survive. I don't think this is true but I certainly like having people around me. There are no illusions about being a social creature.

I spoke of sacrifice with another friend of mine. We talked of the willingness to give of our selves and resources for our mates and friends. I remarked that many people are not willing to make those sacrifice that on the most part many like their friends on their terms. We decided this was a shame, but there is nothing wrong with this. I wonder if this is the same for boyfriends or girlfriends (whichever is your fancy). We are often very happy to sacrifice things we care little for but anything important to the individual quickly outstrips the needs of someones friends. This surely is not the case universally but I bet it is damn hard to pick which one is which till it happens.
I hope I'm the right kind if there is one, I hope I make the right choices, and I hope tomorrow I make fewer mistakes.

Confrontation -- Physics

For every action their is an equal and opposite reaction. Basically you push something, it pushes back. Well until something breaks. This however applies to many, many things. It's often hard to tell when they break though.

My friend is about to pay a price for something they do not want. They are doing it for good reasons. They value their friend. Many people would say don't compromise yourself, your values and wants for someone else; however I'm hoping anyone who reads this knows the importance of being able to bend.

And so we find when we want two things but can only have one we make a choice. Damn I don't like that. I hate even more being forced to have to choose. How dare you make me do that but I will pay my money. I will take my chance. I will own it. Things will change.

People do this though. They do it all the time. 'This is what I want from them/for me and fuck the cost others have to pay'. Well fair enough but I'm not sure how good we people are at judging prices and values at times. As for consequences I'd be hard pressed to think of anyone I know who considers them when acting. Certainly no more than intuitively.

People think of others. Why does someone do what they did? Did it solve their problem? Why do you then have a problem with it? Let it go life is too short!

I value confrontation though. I do like it. When you butt heads against someone you find what it is you truely believe. What you hold onto. Then it changes. Alters twisting and turning to fit and mold around anothers experience and your experience of another. Some people I know think I like to argue for the sake of it and that is a half truth. I argue to find a new place to live. Even though sometimes I doesn't work.

The World Is Not Enough -- Still Circles

So I did it. More than once even. I told this person I thought they were really pretty. They thanked me and the world kept spinning. It was all very anti-climatic. Then I did it again. Although it was a lead singer of a moderately successful band. She really did have a beautiful smile though. I mean it was nice to say these things but as it turns out doesn't do anything for me. I have a suspicion it may just make me look a little weird. Who knew? I don't think I'll stop though, it costs nothing and I'm sure it will make someone happy. I mean my taste isn't exactly what one might expect anyway.

This is all well and good but I'm pretty sure like all things one cannot just going around telling people everything. Right? I mean, sure as hell not telling people I miss them or actually want anything from them. Especially when I don't think it would change anything. Is that because it's kinder on me or kinder to them? Quite probably a bit of both.

Anyway all these thoughts have been incredibly frustrating. Despite everything I do just can't quite be distracted enough. Pretty sure this frustration and aggression is coming out in ways it shouldn't. I do wonder if other people get like this? Music helps though, playing and listening. I'm having the most fun when dancing and before long I should be totally absorbed in uni work. God knows it's been long enough since I've done most of this stuff.

Still I'm keeping really busy. It is good but apparently I'm not busy enough and I know there are other things I need to be doing. Till next time.
Cheers Japetto.

P.S. Summerized:
There are pretty people
I tell them they are pretty
Nothinging happens

I miss them
I wish I didn't

This is anoying
This is how I cope with it
Look at this distraction

Its not working as well as I would have liked
End.