I have never been able to tell if it's that I'm over sensitive and soft, weak even or if the people I chose for mates were really that bad. I'm surprised that despite the fact that I'm aware of how self absorbed and all around assholey these people can be it damn well seems they're trying their best to hurt and that it hurts so much. Now it's not true for all of them but gosh it hurts sometimes and I cant for the life of me see why? I haven't done something that out of order have I? I don't really think I have ever inflicted this kind of pointless pain on people. I mean I'll be the first to admit I'm an asshole but wow.
I need to surround myself with some better people. This isn't right. I don't know how others relate with their friends but it can't be like this everywhere. I don't want to be part of this anymore.
So, I guess I'm taking applications. I'm not perfect and I wont always be the person I should but I tell you what I won't ever intend to treat you as it feels they treat me.
Sunday 25 March 2012
I know that I don't know -- Knowing
You pay your money, you take your chance. Name of an album by a guy called Bruce Cockburn (co-burn for those snickering). It is not really an overly impacting album, (I do like it howeIver) but more what that title says.
I've picked up a few different statements, seemingly wise ones, that I like to tout or reflect on. This is one is about making your choice and living with it, basically. Another I like is, 'don't ask permission ask for forgiveness'. It is something that could end up getting one in a fair bit of trouble. So take that with a pinch of salt.
See I've had these 'things' recently and you know I'm just not very sure anymore. Not when I'm honest. Don't get me wrong speak to me and I think I have the right of everything but really at heart I don't know and know I don't... know, you knoe? I'm OK with this. I understand that most of the things I do is guess work and I'm wondering if I could settle and survive without making those assumptions, guesses and judgements. I mean anything that is yet to happen, that is this afternoon, tomorrow, next week. I don't know about them. I can tell you now that I will go to work and uni but I don't know this. The same with the past.
One of the problems with talking to people is that it is rare to have true understanding. One thinks they know, hell you assume and truly believe you know what is going on, what it is they're communicating. Particularly as a man someone says they're fine, I believe they are fine. Yet they may not be. I sometimes muse on the things running through my head and I'm pretty sure some of those are sending me to hell. I'm glad I don't communicate them. Could you imagine if people could see into your mind? Might be a bit of fun and a whole lot of trouble!
We live in a world with degrees of sureties. We make the best of the very limited information of others. I mean I am surprised witgh myself sometimes and I've been with me for twenty two years now; how the hell am I going to know some else... ever? I've been damn close to a couple of people and still there is surprise sometimes. It is nice to be wrong about people sometimes. It is fun not knowing sometimes. When I was younger I hated not knowing things. I've grown a bit since then and have resolved myself to the fact that there is no way of really knowing anything and so I let go of it. It's better this way. I can have some more fun.
Cheers guys.
More this week.
I've picked up a few different statements, seemingly wise ones, that I like to tout or reflect on. This is one is about making your choice and living with it, basically. Another I like is, 'don't ask permission ask for forgiveness'. It is something that could end up getting one in a fair bit of trouble. So take that with a pinch of salt.
See I've had these 'things' recently and you know I'm just not very sure anymore. Not when I'm honest. Don't get me wrong speak to me and I think I have the right of everything but really at heart I don't know and know I don't... know, you knoe? I'm OK with this. I understand that most of the things I do is guess work and I'm wondering if I could settle and survive without making those assumptions, guesses and judgements. I mean anything that is yet to happen, that is this afternoon, tomorrow, next week. I don't know about them. I can tell you now that I will go to work and uni but I don't know this. The same with the past.
One of the problems with talking to people is that it is rare to have true understanding. One thinks they know, hell you assume and truly believe you know what is going on, what it is they're communicating. Particularly as a man someone says they're fine, I believe they are fine. Yet they may not be. I sometimes muse on the things running through my head and I'm pretty sure some of those are sending me to hell. I'm glad I don't communicate them. Could you imagine if people could see into your mind? Might be a bit of fun and a whole lot of trouble!
We live in a world with degrees of sureties. We make the best of the very limited information of others. I mean I am surprised witgh myself sometimes and I've been with me for twenty two years now; how the hell am I going to know some else... ever? I've been damn close to a couple of people and still there is surprise sometimes. It is nice to be wrong about people sometimes. It is fun not knowing sometimes. When I was younger I hated not knowing things. I've grown a bit since then and have resolved myself to the fact that there is no way of really knowing anything and so I let go of it. It's better this way. I can have some more fun.
Cheers guys.
More this week.
Sunday 18 March 2012
Black. White or Grey -- Changes
No one has the power to change you, unless you let them. That one is soully up to you. If you're with someone and you feel that they're changing you, you're wrong. You might be changing; they might be forcing the point. You can bend to that, you can break to that or you can insist upon nothing c hanging. It may end your relationship. Might be for the best if that is the case. Or you might change them.
As I've written before every action has an equal and opposite reaction. The point is how one looks at it. Do you look at two individuals or the two as a relationship. A relationship is a system, the two parts acting and reacting to each other. What one does will undoubtedly provoke a confrontation with the other, even if they agree with their partner, you are confronted with that choice.
Your partner is inviting change at a conscious and subconscious level. The next step is whether or not you a conscious and aware of the impact they are having on you. This goes the same for friends and aquintences although perhaps not with the same intensity. I feel like people need to hear this. This is probably not the avenue for it mind but it's something.
Time with people in their late teens has reminded me of this stuff. They like to say how you shouldnt judge or if you judge it's your problem, (I'm paraphrasing here). The funny thing if you stop and look at how you as a human being behave. Intrinsically you are eternally judging things. Just to survive. You see a tiger or velociraptor bearing down on you, you don't stop to ask it's intent and meaning behind it's action you fucking well run cause it's going to eat you. The struggle lies in what you do with those judgements. Sometimes running is wise, sometimes confrontation. Sometimes just keeping your mouth closed is good. Unfortunately I can't help with what to do when, they get to be your choice.
The other thing in reguards to this is that I feel that us in our teens, twenties, thirties even and onward for many people are filled up with our self importance. I was speaking with someone who threw down a challenge to me saying that if their shorts were too short that their, "clothing suited their lifestyle and if I judge them for that it is my problem". Now that's cool and whatever but I'm a full time uni student doing engineering who works thirty hours a week and has other things to do as well. I'm pretty busy, there are certainly busier people than I and I can tell you now I really couldnt care less what someone is wearing. Don't get me wrong I can appreciate a nice outfit and laugh at a terrible one however I really don't have time or head space to think any more than that.
Good example yes? I thought so. I'd give a better one but that was the only one that came to mind.
So I think to summerize all of this it's important to stay true to yourself but not to resist change just because it is change. Rather be aware of the influences around you and try to pick the path you believe you want to follow. In the end that's really all we do anyway and maybe looking like this might be able to choose a happier path.
As I've written before every action has an equal and opposite reaction. The point is how one looks at it. Do you look at two individuals or the two as a relationship. A relationship is a system, the two parts acting and reacting to each other. What one does will undoubtedly provoke a confrontation with the other, even if they agree with their partner, you are confronted with that choice.
Your partner is inviting change at a conscious and subconscious level. The next step is whether or not you a conscious and aware of the impact they are having on you. This goes the same for friends and aquintences although perhaps not with the same intensity. I feel like people need to hear this. This is probably not the avenue for it mind but it's something.
Time with people in their late teens has reminded me of this stuff. They like to say how you shouldnt judge or if you judge it's your problem, (I'm paraphrasing here). The funny thing if you stop and look at how you as a human being behave. Intrinsically you are eternally judging things. Just to survive. You see a tiger or velociraptor bearing down on you, you don't stop to ask it's intent and meaning behind it's action you fucking well run cause it's going to eat you. The struggle lies in what you do with those judgements. Sometimes running is wise, sometimes confrontation. Sometimes just keeping your mouth closed is good. Unfortunately I can't help with what to do when, they get to be your choice.
The other thing in reguards to this is that I feel that us in our teens, twenties, thirties even and onward for many people are filled up with our self importance. I was speaking with someone who threw down a challenge to me saying that if their shorts were too short that their, "clothing suited their lifestyle and if I judge them for that it is my problem". Now that's cool and whatever but I'm a full time uni student doing engineering who works thirty hours a week and has other things to do as well. I'm pretty busy, there are certainly busier people than I and I can tell you now I really couldnt care less what someone is wearing. Don't get me wrong I can appreciate a nice outfit and laugh at a terrible one however I really don't have time or head space to think any more than that.
Good example yes? I thought so. I'd give a better one but that was the only one that came to mind.
So I think to summerize all of this it's important to stay true to yourself but not to resist change just because it is change. Rather be aware of the influences around you and try to pick the path you believe you want to follow. In the end that's really all we do anyway and maybe looking like this might be able to choose a happier path.
Tuesday 13 March 2012
Movies -- Freewill
I have been watching The Adjustment Bureau, a good film if you haven't seen. I got to thinking that one, Emily Blunt is drop dead gorgeous and two, about how we have chance encounters and minor relationships. They come and go, forever and ever and they have lasting and real impacts and consequences.
I wrote a poem about this once even. Those encounters that I have, that you have, the ones on trains, on buses, in clubs or pubs, that person I saw today in the car on Ashmore Road. Sometimes these affects are small; a shift in your taste, in aesthetics, I spent two weeks with some guys who altered me in massive ways though, who changed who and what I am shifted my journey never to go down other paths.
So I was thinking about plans and being a pawn on a board. I don't think I believe in that but even if I did believe in it, it wouldn't matter. I don't know it, the illusion of free will is good enough for me.
So bring on the randoms the people I don't know, those who will change me. Maybe one or two of you will share my journey and I'll be lucky enough to see yours.
I wrote a poem about this once even. Those encounters that I have, that you have, the ones on trains, on buses, in clubs or pubs, that person I saw today in the car on Ashmore Road. Sometimes these affects are small; a shift in your taste, in aesthetics, I spent two weeks with some guys who altered me in massive ways though, who changed who and what I am shifted my journey never to go down other paths.
So I was thinking about plans and being a pawn on a board. I don't think I believe in that but even if I did believe in it, it wouldn't matter. I don't know it, the illusion of free will is good enough for me.
So bring on the randoms the people I don't know, those who will change me. Maybe one or two of you will share my journey and I'll be lucky enough to see yours.
Sunday 11 March 2012
Problems of first world countries -- Busyness
Now, I know it seems like I pine for a girlfriend, a companion, someone who I can fall asleep and talk with and all the rest. It seems like this because I do. However since Friday night I have come home from uni, gone to work, finished got to my place of rest for the night slept for an hour, maybe an hour and a half and gone back to work, yay 7am starts. When I finished work there it was just after midday Saturday. I went back to home, and did a couple things I needed to but no where near all of the things I'd like to have prepared. I then proceeded to meet my family commitment for the weekend and then tried to get out to see some mates. About 9 by now. Halfway through travel from Brisbane to Gold Coast I was informed that they had had enough and were all going home... at 9:30pm... Apparently my friends aged to being in their forties without me noticing... Fair cop though, I've been busy and well to be honest sleep will do me some good. So went to bed around midnight, that I suppose is about standard for me. I woke up a few times before being proper awake at 6am. I then realised I had some time I dosed till 9. Got up dressed got stuff ready for the day spent 30 minutes paying a game and off to work.
I'm now at work. When I'm done I'll go home. I'll do some uni work if I'm good then maybe some TV or book or something I'll go to sleep, I'll get up and go to uni. That is my entirety of my weekend. Now seems fairly busy when put down like that. The problem is I consider that to be a fairly light weekend. Now there was probably some time where if I had a someone they could have seen me but really that's probably not fair. There is probably time during the week we could do something or rather but I'm pretty busy then too!
So I think I have to settle for pining. A friend of mine suggested getting a fuck buddy but I don't know if I could do that. I'll take applications and get back to whomever is interested when a solution has been resolved on the matter, mind. So what else can I do? I am busy but still there is a lot of time in cars or on public transport to mull on such things. It's why I keep busy and it does work quite well. It seems it is hard to be busy enough.
All this business of being busy is essentially to stop my thinking. People often tell me I think too much. I don't believe this. I don't think someone can think too much. I'll explain. You see to say 'too much' means it can be a bad thing and well thinking of its self is not good or bad, it is just a thing. It can however be healthy or unhealthy. That is something that I'm trying to address. I want my thinking to be healthy or I don't want it at all.
I'm now at work. When I'm done I'll go home. I'll do some uni work if I'm good then maybe some TV or book or something I'll go to sleep, I'll get up and go to uni. That is my entirety of my weekend. Now seems fairly busy when put down like that. The problem is I consider that to be a fairly light weekend. Now there was probably some time where if I had a someone they could have seen me but really that's probably not fair. There is probably time during the week we could do something or rather but I'm pretty busy then too!
So I think I have to settle for pining. A friend of mine suggested getting a fuck buddy but I don't know if I could do that. I'll take applications and get back to whomever is interested when a solution has been resolved on the matter, mind. So what else can I do? I am busy but still there is a lot of time in cars or on public transport to mull on such things. It's why I keep busy and it does work quite well. It seems it is hard to be busy enough.
All this business of being busy is essentially to stop my thinking. People often tell me I think too much. I don't believe this. I don't think someone can think too much. I'll explain. You see to say 'too much' means it can be a bad thing and well thinking of its self is not good or bad, it is just a thing. It can however be healthy or unhealthy. That is something that I'm trying to address. I want my thinking to be healthy or I don't want it at all.
Sunday 4 March 2012
Confrontation -- Physics
For every action their is an equal and opposite reaction. Basically you push something, it pushes back. Well until something breaks. This however applies to many, many things. It's often hard to tell when they break though.
My friend is about to pay a price for something they do not want. They are doing it for good reasons. They value their friend. Many people would say don't compromise yourself, your values and wants for someone else; however I'm hoping anyone who reads this knows the importance of being able to bend.
And so we find when we want two things but can only have one we make a choice. Damn I don't like that. I hate even more being forced to have to choose. How dare you make me do that but I will pay my money. I will take my chance. I will own it. Things will change.
People do this though. They do it all the time. 'This is what I want from them/for me and fuck the cost others have to pay'. Well fair enough but I'm not sure how good we people are at judging prices and values at times. As for consequences I'd be hard pressed to think of anyone I know who considers them when acting. Certainly no more than intuitively.
People think of others. Why does someone do what they did? Did it solve their problem? Why do you then have a problem with it? Let it go life is too short!
I value confrontation though. I do like it. When you butt heads against someone you find what it is you truely believe. What you hold onto. Then it changes. Alters twisting and turning to fit and mold around anothers experience and your experience of another. Some people I know think I like to argue for the sake of it and that is a half truth. I argue to find a new place to live. Even though sometimes I doesn't work.
My friend is about to pay a price for something they do not want. They are doing it for good reasons. They value their friend. Many people would say don't compromise yourself, your values and wants for someone else; however I'm hoping anyone who reads this knows the importance of being able to bend.
And so we find when we want two things but can only have one we make a choice. Damn I don't like that. I hate even more being forced to have to choose. How dare you make me do that but I will pay my money. I will take my chance. I will own it. Things will change.
People do this though. They do it all the time. 'This is what I want from them/for me and fuck the cost others have to pay'. Well fair enough but I'm not sure how good we people are at judging prices and values at times. As for consequences I'd be hard pressed to think of anyone I know who considers them when acting. Certainly no more than intuitively.
People think of others. Why does someone do what they did? Did it solve their problem? Why do you then have a problem with it? Let it go life is too short!
I value confrontation though. I do like it. When you butt heads against someone you find what it is you truely believe. What you hold onto. Then it changes. Alters twisting and turning to fit and mold around anothers experience and your experience of another. Some people I know think I like to argue for the sake of it and that is a half truth. I argue to find a new place to live. Even though sometimes I doesn't work.
Thursday 1 March 2012
The World Is Not Enough -- Still Circles
So I did it. More than once even. I told this person I thought they were really pretty. They thanked me and the world kept spinning. It was all very anti-climatic. Then I did it again. Although it was a lead singer of a moderately successful band. She really did have a beautiful smile though. I mean it was nice to say these things but as it turns out doesn't do anything for me. I have a suspicion it may just make me look a little weird. Who knew? I don't think I'll stop though, it costs nothing and I'm sure it will make someone happy. I mean my taste isn't exactly what one might expect anyway.
This is all well and good but I'm pretty sure like all things one cannot just going around telling people everything. Right? I mean, sure as hell not telling people I miss them or actually want anything from them. Especially when I don't think it would change anything. Is that because it's kinder on me or kinder to them? Quite probably a bit of both.
Anyway all these thoughts have been incredibly frustrating. Despite everything I do just can't quite be distracted enough. Pretty sure this frustration and aggression is coming out in ways it shouldn't. I do wonder if other people get like this? Music helps though, playing and listening. I'm having the most fun when dancing and before long I should be totally absorbed in uni work. God knows it's been long enough since I've done most of this stuff.
Still I'm keeping really busy. It is good but apparently I'm not busy enough and I know there are other things I need to be doing. Till next time.
Cheers Japetto.
P.S. Summerized:
There are pretty people
I tell them they are pretty
Nothinging happens
I miss them
I wish I didn't
This is anoying
This is how I cope with it
Look at this distraction
Its not working as well as I would have liked
End.
This is all well and good but I'm pretty sure like all things one cannot just going around telling people everything. Right? I mean, sure as hell not telling people I miss them or actually want anything from them. Especially when I don't think it would change anything. Is that because it's kinder on me or kinder to them? Quite probably a bit of both.
Anyway all these thoughts have been incredibly frustrating. Despite everything I do just can't quite be distracted enough. Pretty sure this frustration and aggression is coming out in ways it shouldn't. I do wonder if other people get like this? Music helps though, playing and listening. I'm having the most fun when dancing and before long I should be totally absorbed in uni work. God knows it's been long enough since I've done most of this stuff.
Still I'm keeping really busy. It is good but apparently I'm not busy enough and I know there are other things I need to be doing. Till next time.
Cheers Japetto.
P.S. Summerized:
There are pretty people
I tell them they are pretty
Nothinging happens
I miss them
I wish I didn't
This is anoying
This is how I cope with it
Look at this distraction
Its not working as well as I would have liked
End.
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