Eating and Drinking and Being Thoughtful -- Melbourne and Humanitarian Works

So when I started writing this I was in Melbourne. I finished it up the next day in Brisbane.

So about to leave Melbourne for the second time this year. I know I wanted to get down here again but it was rather unexpected. I hadn't thought I'd get down here again. I'd like to have something deep and impacting for you but mostly I just had a wonderful time eating and drinking my way through the city. I do so love my food and drink, or anyone elses for that matter. As far as places go for food and drink I certainly think that Melbourne is one of the better ones. I haven't been to enough places mind.

We were down here on behalf of uni to present at the EWB Challenge national finals. Very cool stuff although I'm not overly invested in humanitarian work there were still some great ideas to help improve peoples lives I only wish the winning idea had been better. It felt odd that in the end the judges had wanted to address peoples comfort (in a small way if at all) rather than survival rates. Still as I said humanitarian work isn't exactly my forte and I will concede I don't know much about it. I think my forte lies in the 'higher' level thinking stuff. In challenging people who live in the first world. Challenging them on their beliefs and drives.

Certainly with this blog, in conversation and discussion I hope to encourage people to think and question what it is they believe and feel, and why this is so. Where does one draw the line with helping people? Do you give everything you have away? These are questions that I don't feel have right answers particularly in western societies. I feel it is important on an individual level that people contemplate these even if not for long. To bring about an awareness of themselves and that their is  a world around them that they can affect even in small ways. Or even what their obligation to do so is. I don't know if that is the path to happiness but I think a greater understanding of self and the world would be a step in the right direction.

So as it turns out I did have something meaningful to gain from Melbourne and I hope that reading this helps you guys out too.

Quotes and Wisdom -- I wish this were true.

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life." - Bob Marley

http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/151476-only-once-in-your-life-i-truly-believe-you-find

I'm not sure if I believe in the completeness of this any more.

Inspiring Fear -- Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!

It is funny how fears can creep up on you. Things that you don't contemplate because you never saw them coming, or because you don't contemplate much. The thing is fear is often based in the future, on something that may or may not happen. These worries this stress isn't really necessary.

Fear of itself is not a good reason to not doing anything. If I had to list things  that becoming a man or woman, an adult was about it would be doing things despite being afraid. That is not to say go out and do stupid shit but more to challenge oneself in the boundaries you set to make sure you keep striving and journeying towards being a better human being. Fear will prevent this. Fear is in fact very good at preventing growth because it is so very easy to rationalise. Fears are often based in good places. "I'm not jumping because this is the eight stories high". But maybe from this eighth floor there is a giant water slide and it would be perfectly safe and awesome fun. Sometimes there are good and great things that we cannot see because we are afraid.

Be smart in where you push but keep pushing. Even if no one else thinks you're great you can because you will be more of a person than you were yesterday, more human. Take journeys with people and grow and learn and experience. You don't need to have great recognition to do great things. You just have to do them.

This sentiment right here.

Caboose asks Church if he ever wonders why they're here. Church replies "It's not about hating the guy on the other side because someone told you to. I mean, you should hate someone because they're an asshole or a pervert or snob or they're lazy or an idiot or a know-it-all. Those are reasons to dislike somebody. You don't hate a person because someone told you to. You have to learn to despise people on a personal level. Not because they're red or because they're blue but because ya know them and you see them every single day. And you can't stand them because they're a complete and total fucking douchebag." Caboose then corrects him, stating that he simply wanted to know why they were in the sun when they could be in the shade.

Stolen from Rooster teeth, Red vs Blue Season 5.

Hopeful - Looking here and now and forward

Organised  belief systems absolve responsibility. That's it, it has been said. One of the big unrealised issues with belief and my problem with religions. "I failed this, got fired by blah or was mean to this person because God/Zeus/Cat/Caboose wanted it this way". That is so not OK. You failed/fired cause you didn't do the work. You were mean because you were projecting your ideals and ideas onto someone else or you straight up just don't care enough to let them be them. As time goes by empirical thinking has been harder to ignore, it provides a foundation to learn so much. Reconcile that you don't know everything or rather nearly anything, you know what you know however and that is also such a vast amount. How to communicate, language and social behaviour then there is everything that you have learnt over time from school and family and friends! The sheer knowledge we have gained is astounding and yet there is always more. Is that not wonderful?

This blog has been inspired by uni exams and the fact that Prof. Brian Cox is on the radio and I happen to be on the train. For those who aren't familiar with Brian Cox he is a exceptionally clever man with a couple doctorates specialising in particle physics and astrophysics. He was also in a moderately famous pop band. "Thingggssss, can only get betterrrr..." Yeah that one. Just there is so much hope for humanity if just we could step outside ourselves for a bit. There are so many wonders that inspire. We can't ignore politics, whether US or Australian and pop culture is exceptionally prevalent it is inescapable but at the same time these things are inspiring in many ways. Except Nicki Minaj, she still is is disgrace to all things art.

So with only 1 important exam left after today and a bludge one after that what am I looking to do with my time. See and spend time with friends gathering experiences and learning. I'm gonna make some youtube videos again, although probably not vlog type ones, make some music, continue with piano and guitar. Work as well. Set some things right.

Lets see how that goes hey!

Discontent

It's hard to hide the gnashing of teeth,
the accentuated rise and fall of the the chest, the frown,
the agitation and restlessness, the anger,
the rise in pain from wounds not healed! Physical and not.
Hard to dismiss what does not apply and yet the effects that keep affecting.
Your thoughtlessness, choices plain to see,
changes deep as a dried creek bed, relevant only for a single moment.
Bizarre misplaced reasoning leading down the short road to mistakes and heart aches.
We all want our cake and to eat it to,
for what else do you have cake for?

All the while watching and observing,
reflecting on differences and drives,
we shall see what tomorrow brings

Collections of Scatters -- Disconnected Thoughts, Worries

So here are a few of the thoughts that have started for me recently but failed to develop into whole posts. Then there will some stuff about where I have been in my head just recently.

 Post 1
People are both stronger and more fragile than they appear. This is concerning. It may have been mentioned before that I'm not the nicest guy around and I stick to this regardless of how things may appear. There are a few reasons for this and most of them are to do with making choices.When presented with a situation there is generally the feeling of this is what we believe is the right choice to make. The problem lies when someone refuses to make that choice. Not makes a mistake of judgement but rather decides to do something else. 




Post 2
Music has been strange recently, hasn't it? Seriously Call Me Maybe on the back of Friday and now Gangnam Style. Finding more and more people rejecting 'artist's' such as Nicki Minaj. It has been rather fascinating watching the changes and where they might go next. Independent music has been on the up and up. It seems more and more that commercial radio is being phased out and being replaced by people downloading and playing their own. Now with the horrible percentage of ads removed could this possibly change. Or is this one giant mistake and illusion based on demographics and familiarity. Have things maybe always been like this?



 The Last Week
Recently I've been fighting the depression that is my... constant struggle? I don't really know how to describe it. I mean I fight with myself trying to instil a believe of self worth. The annoying thing is that I'm not sure what it is all about. Just that there be a lack of some chemical in my head and I have to try really hard to change it. I mean really none of that is even confirmed. Just I recognize it as what it is and try to deal with it. It is hard though to encourage yourself when you don't believe a word of it. That I think is why I certainly find value in human interactions. This isn't supposed to manipulate anyone who reads this overly but rather a way of me expressing my struggles.

And it is a struggle. Regardless I'm worried. I'm worried that I'm not in the right place that I've missed some mystical choice that would put me somewhere that I'm supposed to be. The idea is foreign, foolish.  Crazy I am where I am and that is the way of things yet it worries me. I have been making poor choice and this is no excuse but it does exacerbate (make worse) things. Not really a fan of that lost sensation. Still nearly time for me to go celebrate a birthday. I really hope I don't fail them as well.

Fail Blog -- Love, Language...

So... Found this little article just here. It is really very cool. It has been observed previously (see in the first 3 or 4 blogs) that in Greek there are five words for love yet in English the concept is encompassed by one measly four letter word. I mean we have multiple words that we can substitute in for fuck (some of them even other four letter words), yet only one love. Anyway that article lists some words from other languages and translates them as best as they can. They are to do with relationships and feelings and whilst it is probably a little bit

Anyway where this is going is towards the things that are bigger than they seem. Four letter words, which encompass any  idea. Any definition really. Then to go on to a person, then people and the interactions of people. Eloquence is important and useful. Despite the sometimes difficulties one can have in communicating with an elaborated scope of language at ones disposal. Words are valuable and the depth and scope you can communicate with masterful hand with language is delighting.

(ok break time)
I'd just like it noted at this point that I have been trying to write this for two weeks. It has gone in two totally separate directions and neither went anywhere with any purpose. Things have been frustration are frustration just recently so incoming whiny blog next, you know if there is a point to writing it down :P
Talk soon!

Poets, Biology and Psychcology -- It's a Beautiful World

Halfway through year eleven was when poetry changed. Approximately mid 2005 that would be. It went from something meaningless a pointless object of study to something more. Eloquence is important eloquence adds something beautiful to otherwise purely functional language, language that would not make a whole lot of sense. The way writers would construct words and meanings from seemingly unrelated tangents and images. The imagining that goes into it was; is wonderful. The study of poetry, still nearly meaningless though. The power of imagination is truly astounding.

Current thoughts in regards to the workings of people propose the idea that our brains, which receive electrical signals, use that information to construct what we see, hear, smell, etc. That information has still gone from the 'real' world and been converted to digital. As with all ADC's (Analogue to Digital Converter) there is signal loss. Still our brains create this amazing world. This detailed, beautiful and amazing world that we are part of. We imagine this! How great is that. It is however altered by our perceptions of the information we receive. Analogies and personification lending meaning because of our understanding of non-literal ideas. A perception of a reality that we refuse to believe lending meaning to an eloquence seldom achieved by the layman.

The same applies to memories. Did you know our brains fill in gaps for information we don't have as long as they have evidence of an event. Sorry there is no reference but there was a study done of people who had been to Disney land five years after they had. At an interview at this time they were all shown a picture of themselves with Bugs Bunny. 80% of people claimed they remembered having the photo taken... But Bugs Bunny is a Warner Bros. character. It is important to remember this. Living in memories, living in the past is a dangerous place to be. But when I go outside, the Botanical garden are right there, this is a centre of learning full of potential, of hope, of youth and wisdom. This is a beautiful world. Poets are right to write of love and beauty and loss so we remember that the bad will come but this moment too will pass.

Comfortably Good -- Being the best

I have come to the realisation that I will never be really good at anything. Not really, really good. Not a rock star, or an elite athlete, probably not a leader in my field. I'm ok with this. Hell, thats awesome. I'm way to balanced. I like that. Yeah it means I wont be one of those amazing people but the sacrifices you would have to make to get there. It is too much. I really wanted to write that in a much more positive manner. Despite how it sounds it is positive honest. The idea of being a balanced human being who is able to be interested and do a number of different, split my time between work and play with no need nor desire to be anything more than good. There is nothing wrong with being good. Solid, not mediocre... I've attacked the idea of being mediocre and that is not O.K.being solidly good without needing to be the best. Nothing wrong with that. Can only be one best at a time anyway.

I suppose this thinking has some inherent dangers. It could lead to that dreaded averagness that plagues everywhere... well according to me. Anyway this was a short one that I wanted to make the point that thank you those who do strive to be the best, the rocks stars, the athletes, the professors and cutting edge surgeons (oh yeah pun!) and doctors. You guys do wonderful things. Great things bring joy and entertainment to me. Small me who is happy being solidly good, going to bed, playing bad music and having good friends because I know you can't have that life.

You're wrong I'm right -- Expectations

So the thing about not sleeping, about not being able to sleep, is that everything is infinitely worse when you are tired like that. For those of you that may know what it is like you may disagree but I find the bit where you just lay there the most annoying. Not being kept up by an over active brain or because you had to finish that book, episode, trilogy, whatever. But up because you are not asleep. I hate that loathe. Anyway as is the case with running on ridiculously few hours of sleep there are the inevitable and variable mood swings. You go from OK, to full of energy (your body interprets not being able to sleep similar to death and hits the system with every ones friend adrenaline) and bouts of melancholy.

Anyway that was kinda what has been happening but in other news I'm quite hard on people. The people I associate with anyway. I expect more and better of them all the time. This is a problem. I have exceptionally high expectations of myself too, most of which I never come close to meeting but that is not the problem I feel I should be dealing with. The big one is the expectations I have of others. There is no need for them. I already like them I wont like them overly much more if they do what I want. It only hinders, boxes them in a place I have no right to put them.

Again this is not anything really to do with them. If the world was as I wished it the whole place would be a lot nicer and I'd be a damn sight better looking. The problem with idealism I suppose... I do like ideals and idealism and it's why I would be no good in government. The ability to be more practically available is a great help for such things. That idea has some merit in evaluating current political climates as well as social situations. I've always been confused by the American republican party. They are so idealistic and that really does not work. They also have some quite conflicting philosophies I thought. I would need to look into it more to establish a more educated idea about them and to be honest I feel I have better things I could spend my time on.

Still, need to work on expectations. I can't bring my self to expect nothing of others, of the world. So I must manage them. Expect people to be who they are, to be people. To be selfish and loving, to give and take, to hurt and heal. To try to do what they think is the right thing to do. In the end that's all we can do.

Wrathfully inspired -- Friends, Being Better

So had lots of thoughts the last few days. None of them fully formed (would you expect anything else) and most of them next to useless but nice to explore regardless.

So, where to start. The astute of you may notice that it is 0022hrs Sunday, 8th July 2012. This means that not that long ago it was Saturday and obviously this is a blog. That may imply that I wasn't out tonight, or at least not for very long, or if I did something remarkable happened. I'm blogging guess what it was?

Anyway as I have been home all evening wanted to write about expectations. I have found it common that people like to say they have no expectations of people, of their friends. Now, in principle I probably agree with the sentiment. Certainly not a fan of dependent relationships. However in practise I expect things of my friends. I expect them to behave like human beings. I feel the people who I choose to associate with are reflections of me, who I want to be and what I like. These people I want to be around are my peers by my choice. They are lucky however I want to be honoured and proud to know them. To spend my time, precious time split between many things with these people. Does that not give them some responsibility?

I mean I want people to be proud to call me friend. To want to know me, want to see me and I want to be the best person I can, not just for me because I can but because I can help to enrich yours and their lives. This is partly what this whole blog is about. I'm a human being with and experience hopefully you get something from my experience, something that helps you be a better human, whatever that means to you.  I have a responsibility to you to not be a dick. To help you more than I hinder. Yet we are all human and within these parameters people can be disappointed and let down and hurt. Not all of that can be made right.

That there is a scary thought. I can hurt my friends, I do hurt my friends. I need to be better to my friends but how do I do that. I mean treating other people as I want to be treated doesn't work. It's a nice sentiment but doesn't really work. I just need to work at the relationships. I want them to do the same.

SO what I'm saying is I'm proud of the people I call friend. I expect better of them. I'm OK that they disappoint me and let me down, it sucks, I'll get over it. I hope they are proud of me. I hope I am better to them. I hope I bring something positive to their lives.

Writers block and Wrecking Balls -- Not advice, or quote, or wise.

I think this is about the third time I've opened this up now and still don't really have anything new. They say there is nothing new under the sun but after a massive six months of this I'd be concerned if I was repeating myself without any changes, without any growth.

The thing is people still come and go from lives drifting in and out. People still disappoint and let you down, surprise you and if they're good build you up. Uni is a challenge which one should work harder at and I'm not as fit as I could be. Want to practice more of those instruments and continue to try new things and get back into those things I no longer have been able to make time for.

I have over the last six months always wanted to write about all those quotes and wisdom statements you see on the internet and Facebook. So many people comment on them and like them. Yet I've found often if I spend 30 seconds looking at it, the quote is a poor one. In fact it will generally be a hopelessly romanticized way to see the world. It does not work and can not work. We all subscribe to this wonderfulness and really its not wonderful, its despairing. That is not to say there are no good quotes, no good wisdom statements, no good observations on the human reality. On contra ire they're just not popular (on the whole).

I think one of the most touted pieces of advice is, 'be yourself'. I honestly have no idea what that means. Does it mean I should do what I think I should do, because that is what I'm already doing. Or does it mean I should do what I feel is right regardless of the rules and standards around me, but that is really dangerous. What if I believe in culling the stupid?! Now I'm not suggesting all advice and wisdom has to be universal. Just well thought out. Just because someone likes a sentiment doesn't mean it is a useful or helpful sentiment. Often it is just a reflection of a place we used to be in. An example of a connection to a past which no longer exists.

So next time you see a 30 great quotes web page or someone posts something on Facebook, look at them and wonder to yourself does it mean anything? does it help me now? In the end that's what you need it for and maybe it would be nice to reflect on how nice it would be if things could be that simple.

This Could Get Messy -- God and Living

I'm really appreciating how young I am instead of feeling like an old bastard (damn you uni). I look at my life and I SO don't have anything together yet. The realisation came however that, that's fine, I'm young. Hell, I look around me and I can't recognise any other people my age who have it together. Not even those whom are married and have kids or are looking to get married and all of that. We all have our things. It is truly amazing. This isn't even a comparison issue either. It doesn't make any difference whether I'm more or less together than you, or him, or her, or them! I think that is my favourite bit. It just stops at, 'I don't have it all together yet'. I don't know if you ever do have it together or perhaps you get it together and lose it again. Honestly none of that matters. I'm fine with not being together now. Some people might say that is living in the moment.

I'm not really sure what living in the moment is. When someone says it I think I know what they are talking about however it is one of those things that so many talk about. People preach the virtues of living in the moment, yet it seems so few do it. Obviously not that great. Or so stupidly difficult that most people can never hope to achieve. I also wonder about the whole YOLO thing, You Only Live Once (or You Obviously Like Owls, thank you Jeph Jacques at Questionable Content). People use it as a justification to do some of the stupidest things. If anything it is a reason to live cautiously.

There are many schools of thought on this. Most of the monotheists believe in some sort of life after death and it will be good, as long as you believe what they tell you to believe. The others more of a reincarnation thing. I mean in each of these you really can do what you like cause they will let you either have another try or you go into the big vast void of paradise. If you are a true atheist however, or refute the concept of after life then you in essence have two options really. It's not really this simple but for ease of concept. You can either go, 'fuck this', eat fuck drink sleep do what you like as long as if fits within that personal code of ethics or live like this is all you ever got and it is your one chance to do something. Generally people slide between the two of those. True atheism the belief in nothing, in nothing but probability and chance scares me. I don't like Karma, people rarely get what they deserve and the monotheistic religions concern me in their exclusivity.

For your information I grew up in a christian household the eldest son of ministers. My folks however are a little unorthodox in their beliefs and that's about all I can tell you about what they believe. I however, am bitter and cynical about churches and the people involved with them. My problem mostly stems from the way they prioritise things according to if I serve church, I am therefore serving God. It is a dangerous way to be. This isn't a conscious thought either. I found that there should be a much greater emphasis on people. Don't go to church or something churchie at the expense of seeing a secular friend. Don't go to a weekly group because that is 'serving God', instead of your friends birthday (yes this did happen). That is where religion has made its greatest mistake I think. The concept that I must put God first and I find God at church or church things or that somehow it is easier to find God there. Particularly for Christianity. This secular idea of God where it is outside of you and your life, so you either do God or you do human, and with the traditional doctrine of original sin you are generally wanting to do things which god does not like, cause you are bad.

I really struggled with that and as such I reject too much. Babies and bathwater you know. Atheism scares the shit out of me and I think the translation and re translation of holy books has been so muddied that true meaning is lost. There are still some truly wonderful and beautiful things in them. The song of Soloman is a fantastic example of erotic literature. I struggle with these things and the champions of their causes. You may read that I like a balance a bit of left and right and I don't think this is any different. The other option is the justification for there being few true believers. Anyway that's a thought for another time this is already really long. I really hope I don't spark some great debate between people or insight too much unfair criticisms of my ideas. They are thoughts ever changing and moving from one moment to the next. I live across all of them and I pick the ones that suit me at the time. I'll talk to you guys soon.

James

Links: Twitter
And something that changed some of the styles of my thinking... God's Debris
P.S. I'm sorry I am not a better writer who is better able to convey and explain ideas which are probably exceptionally confusing.

Bitch -- Angry and Frustrated.

I really love language. It is really a great tool. I find it such a shame that I'm told to dumb down my language so people can half understand what I'm saying. It is so frustrating. I don't go out of my way to be difficult but I choose my words carefully. Mostly for their meaning but sometimes just their sound. To be fair this blog isn't really about the sadness of the depleting vocabulary of society. I'm frustrated and angry. I am furious.

I'm not really furious at anything just frustrated at the world. Could be hormones or stress or whatever. Really though. I just want to rant and rave at someone or something. Give me an excuse, say somethings stupid I dare you. I mean I've been wanting to write about space, about understanding, concepts and how difficult understanding can be but fuck! Just you know grrr. It's my birthday this week. I normally like to make it one day a year rather special. This year I'm not really doing anything about it.

It's weird cause in the past I've made it quite important to me, this year however, I'm not. I have a few suspicions why most of them I don't like though. Maybe I'm just growing up, although I don't think so. I'm scattered tonight guys... can you tell? I know I'm overly tired it's probably whats getting to me more than anything. Today I cannot face the things I need to face tomorrow. Yet I have learnt that despite all things the world keeps spinning and tomorrow will come. I will face what I have to tomorrow but today. Today I am angry and frustrated and in needing of a strong drink.

Goodnight

Learning and Improving -- Compentence or Incompentence?

I'm not sure how we are supposed to take something things. Things happen and then how do we deal with them? What is the next step? What I find more concerning is, 'where I find the answer to that question?'

Do we look to the Internet? Well, maybe for some things but do you think the Internet is the best place for  advice, dating advice or on dealing with that other obscure hypothetical situation that is really happening. Do we look at TV and movies? I sincerely hope people don't look at Hollywood but I would imagine it is a little truer than most of us would care to admit. However in favour of Hollywood it would certainly make life easier to know that one day your prince charming will come or the girl next door will turn out to fall in love with the slightly awkward, smart and you know the drill... Is there redeeming TV? I suppose books might have some answers but I don't think I've really seen lasting self help books. It all sounds well and good but only ever a small amount of it lasts, but you did a lot of reading for seemingly just a small fraction of a change. One sentence different from a book of hundreds of pages that is your life.

However maybe that is how it goes. Maybe it's not all about making changes now about altering my life's course, not dodging the ice burgs rather gently brushing... well maybe that's a bad example. Still small little adjustments one at a time. Does this work? When confronted by something can I kinda go, 'yeah', and stay basically the same just subtly changing; so much so it is hardly noticeable.

My point was mostly that I'm not sure how well this stuff works. I don't know if any of it works if some is better or much really. Where do we get this experience from? I rather like self analysis (in healthy form) however how do you know you're analysing right? This was all sparked by this article I read about whether someone who is truly incompetent can know they are in fact incompetent. It carries on saying how to self evaluate you need to be somewhat competent. So the again how could the incompetent know they are incompetent? In fact it is often shown that people who are incompetent thing they are most defiantly competent. So am I good at knowing how to change myself for the better? Am I a competent human being? Can be a better one? Or am I kidding myself?

I think I'm doing not too bad a job. 

P.S. Article for your perusal, I thought it was interesting.
P.P.S.  Twitter I'm still working on using it.

I think I saw a 2 -- Dreams

So I had a crazy and incredibly vivid dream this morning.... hmmm, on second thought this needs some reference point for you guys.

I used to not dream. I know they say you always dream but if you can't ever recall your dreams it makes no difference whether it happened or not, trees falling in forests and all that. Once I did start dreaming (or remembering) I became a bit of a lucid dreamer. Basically a a lucid dreamer is someone who has awareness and control of their dreams. I remember this one and I was not in control and I was not aware.

Honestly it scared me some.

I dreamt of a uni assignment. My group (which has truly been a nightmare for me (not the group but one person in it)), my tutor and my presentation. Now I became aware that it was a dream about 20 minutes after I woke myself up. Basically I failed and it wasn't my fault. I failed and I was pissed about it. There was yelling, a compelling argument, good reasoning and my tutor ran off being a douche.

This was all really vivid even now about 7 hours ago. I can recall clothing I was wearing, responses and all sorts.  I mean the only things I have ever dreamt about this vividly I'm not going to share with you.

Now, I'm not one to see meaning where there is none. I trust my dreams are as far as I can control them. However maybe for once I care about something that isn't just a person. If I care as much as this suggests perhaps I should really try do it well. Still I'd rather not care too much, I don't like these dreams, hows any ones dream interpretation skills? Want to tell me its all meaningless drivel of an over active subconscious, that would make life easier.

Talk to you all soon.
I've been more active on my twitter recently. I either post funny things or stuff I found interesting. Gonna try keep it going though so if you're interested keep watch.
https://twitter.com/#!/Aejms

Yeild Points -- Stress

So I think recently I have, for nearly the first time in my life been aware of stress in myself. Aware of the worry and the concerns and I believe not just have I been aware of it but also the effect it was having on me and the way I was seeing the world a reacting to people. I think I also have noticed my ability to stay decidedly calm, for the most part. I think I'm dealing with it quite well. It is not something I have ever really thought about, stress and its effect I mean. That is not to say I haven't encountered stress.

In the past I've never been aware as I am now. I also doubt whether I have been under this kind of stress before. I may have mostly just cant recall. That is not to say it is unbearable amount. I'm not even saying I am overly stressed, just that I am stressed and think I'm dealing with it fairly well. Managing stress I imagine becomes a bigger and bigger part of our worlds. Mounting debts of houses and cars, bills for food, electricity and all that just to start and then you have your job and/or uni and/or family commitments and/or friend commitments. Each of these is another thing that can cause concern and worry. Even not overly involved in things I think it must be hard for some people to maintain the distance needed to stay healthy.

There are many things that we worry over yet we have little or no control over. If you look at the above list though people are so very capable. We are stressed but we manage all of those things all the time. It is only on occasion that it seems to or threatens to overwhelm. People should take a great encouragement in that. You are so capable and after all, full of potentials. Stress does do strange things to people however. We lose sight of the important things behind inflated egos and making small things much bigger than they are. Combinations of ego and dark imaginings are no help to anyone.

I'm trying to decide if it is worth settling for a little less in return for feeling a little happier for doing something you want to instead of need to. Unfortunately with time being time it is too often the case of doing one or the other. I think the irony is that stress isn't really real anyway. I mean we experience it however it is something that doesn't really exist except as a perception of how things may or may not be.

Not Neccesarily in that Order -- Mistakes and Friends

I hate making mistakes. I think though that I have an amazing ability to make them. I can't for the life of me seem to be able to make the right choices. Perhaps I am being overly critical and almost certainly a hard task master. Irregardless of this I want to make the right decisions. I want things to go well. In what I do, what I think, who I talk to. I can't for the life of me seem to be able to do it.

I can't help but suggest there be flaws in peoples logic and reasoning when they present ideas to me. I don't really want to be like this anymore. I hate making mistakes with people with things and I want to do better. I suppose direction would help, but equally I thought I had some direction. Maybe I don't believe enough in this direction? I certainly feel a little directionless. Or at least all the directions I wanted to go in yesterday are some how wrong today. Someone once they told me that if I was removed from the people around me I would not survive. I don't think this is true but I certainly like having people around me. There are no illusions about being a social creature.

I spoke of sacrifice with another friend of mine. We talked of the willingness to give of our selves and resources for our mates and friends. I remarked that many people are not willing to make those sacrifice that on the most part many like their friends on their terms. We decided this was a shame, but there is nothing wrong with this. I wonder if this is the same for boyfriends or girlfriends (whichever is your fancy). We are often very happy to sacrifice things we care little for but anything important to the individual quickly outstrips the needs of someones friends. This surely is not the case universally but I bet it is damn hard to pick which one is which till it happens.
I hope I'm the right kind if there is one, I hope I make the right choices, and I hope tomorrow I make fewer mistakes.

I'm OK -- Arts and Mediocrity

I'm not sure about a lot of things. I try to make things as black and white as I can, it's easier to deal with them that way. I know they are not and I know that can limit things in many ways. Recently I have in my rather limited spare thinking time been mulling over art, what people consider art, what meaning does this art have and what constitutes art. I was tempted to write those arts down as 'art' to try and show the lose meaning of the term but I think you guys have got that one.

The point of this is that I love music and I go to art galleries on occasion and half the things I hear and see have about as much meaning to me as a the scratched graffiti on the train I'm on. There is quite probably a strong argument that the majority of music in the top 40 has no meaning what so ever. To take a look at the most popular Miss Minaj...
"I get it cracking like a bad back
Bitch talkin' she the queen, when she looking like a lab rat
I'm Angelina, you Jennifer
Come on bitch, you see where Brad at
Ice my wrist's then I piss on bitches
You can suck my diznik if you take this jizzes
You don't like them disses, give my ass some kisses
Yeah they know what this is, givin this the business
Cause I pull up and I'm stuntin' but I aint a stuntman"

Like really?! This drivel is mainstream pop music. Something that is still often considered part of the arts? How does this further anything or anyone. Self-aggrandising bullshit. It has little meaning, does it make me look at things in a different light? Maybe, but I don't think it's an overly helpful light. The thing that gets me is there are some truly talented people out there but we are drowned by mediocrity. When did it become good to be just OK.

Y0u ask people what they think of things and they say it was OK. That's not good enough. Passes are often 50% since when is it OK to propagate a position based on half accurate data, I'm thankful for 50% and there is always space to improve but are we OK with half right? Surrounded and drowning in mediocrity where things strive to be OK. Each human has so much potential there is no reason why others can't do as I have. I'm not anything special really. With the exceptions of the truly upper limits most of us are fit in that bell curve and we can move in that curve. I don't know if there is any limit to my potential. If I was a little less lazy and a little more organised I'd move in my curve for sure. I'd be more, I'd be better. In the meantime I suppose I am who I am and well I could try harder. Would like to work out why I don't. Why I'm not a better person. If there are answers to such things.

I think this is why there is art.  As an idea of a moment. The moment around a feeling, a scene, an idea, a time. Something that we feared and in our awe were taken in its rapture. The pain, the beauty, the wonder. All of these things are so much the maths doesn't do it justice. I wish some of the stuff out there wasn't ok.

Freud -- Facinations

People fascinate me. I'm fascinated by their thoughts, their actions and how they manifest about their bodies. Whether it be tattoos or funny hair, a scarf or hat, or a total lack of care about the way they dress. Their manorisms and looks. This stuff fascinates me. We are the sum of our choices, (yes, I should probably refrence this) and as such we choose who we are to a degree. If one doesnt care about how they appear to others it can mean many things. Whatever it is tells something about that person.

I love looking at these things and wondering, "who are you?". I'm one of those odd people who talks to others on public transport. I'm mostly harmless and I want to hear about who you are... to a degree anyway.

Eating, Drinking and Being Merry -- States of Being

So I've been away... for nearly two weeks now. It was uni holidays. Yes I had more time to think but well nothing really worth telling you about. I did however go to Melbourne. That may also have contributed to problems.

I loved Melbourne. It had so much food and drink, they were all over the shop. I went down there for the purpose of seeing a concert with my father. It was a band called, 'Yes', they were excellant and I saw them at a place called 'the Palazio'. It was a truely wonderful venue. IT was a converted old cinema or theatre. Big commpfy leather seats two teir and just a lovely venue. The band was amazing, I hear with a change, maybe two to the line up they would be even better but I tell you what I was stoked to see them and very impressed.

I tried swordfish and drank a variety of beers and cocktails. If I could afford to I'd love to do that all the time. Out with friends, eating and drinking and being merry.

It struck me how much I value and want to do that and want to have people around me to do that too. I also want to be able to afford to do this. What I'll sacrifice to do that I'm not sure yet.

All the things we want to do everywhere you want to be, see and do they cost. Whether it is in money or time, energy, sleep or doing something else. I don't know how you give these things worth but in the end I think I do what will make me happiest. Even if its painful now it may give the oppotunity to be happy in the future. Happy is where I want to be. Its not a goal for me just a state of being sometimes its easier sometimes harder but it is just a state.

So come with me lets eat, drink and be merry.

How things might be -- Stories

This university path that I'm taking is an interesting. New friends and the like but the other day I had an oppotunity to share the last couple years of my story with some guys. They were shocked. They thought it was pretty full on some of the stuff that happened. Despite this, (and it's probably true) I don't think on it as incredibly full on, not now. In reflection some of it wasn't much fun but damn there was a lot of learning to be done. Lots of lessons, lots of growing. Above all, things just keep going. It's one of the reasons I'm always reminded that these things to will pass.

Having said that I don't revel in the oppotunity to share my story as I once did. Not much I can learn from the recount I give. I like to hear theirs, other stories. I like hearing that someone else may have seen what I have that I am connected to them in some distance and convoluted way. I've always been very open about my story though. If someone will ask then I will tell. The story I tell though is just my veiw of it. I will admit it is probably inaccurate, there are many flaws in human memory documented and I am after all just another man.

It has been really interesting going back to uni. There are people all around me younger and older; some even my age. For some of the first years I was working five days a week when they started year eight in high school. Yet others who were working when I was in year eight! I'm really enjoying all the interaction with people. I love being social and it gives me energy. It wont last, there are only so many shallow relationships one can deal with I think but we shall see. There so many ideas, good and bad, opinions right and wrong, and so much pool and beer. Things I like very much.

I'm travelling to Melbourne next week for a concert I'll let you all know about it. Should be a good bit of fun. Going with Dad for music but I can't wait to eat and drink and with those two things going down well I'll be bloody merry!

Talk to you soon.

Smash, Crash, Whoops -- Mistakes

The problem with mistakes is that you can never fix them. Not really. You can do things properly but once you have made the mistake; it's made. I'm always amused at people who say they live with no regrets and for a number of reasons. Particularly people who say they dont regret anything. I tell you what there are things I wish I hadn't done. I regret things but do my best to move on, accept, learn and continue onwards. The whole idea to me that someone has nothing where they say, 'well kinda wish I hadn't done that', is laughable. There has got to be someone who you've hurt, something that you've said, something you've done. There is nothing wrong with regret.

The point is I feel like I should be someplace else. I've lost three years wasting time. This is a silly thought and a totally rediculous dellusional illusion. Just can't shake that feeling that I should just be somewhere not, where I am. Don't get me wrong, I think I'm on the right path, just lagging behind.

Most of this is probably in reference to others, (always a bad place to begin). There is nothing I can do about it, so accept I will and move on. The world after all keeps spinning. Just if you could all stop getting good jobs and careers, getting girlfriends, boyfriends, fiances and spouses. You know just till I've caught up.

Mistakes can be fixed though, just gotta make sure it didn't do too much damage first. I hear time heals all wounds, even if that's not true it must heal a great deal of them.

It hurts -- New People

I have never been able to tell if it's that I'm over sensitive and soft, weak even or if the people I chose for mates were really that bad. I'm surprised that despite the fact that I'm aware of how self absorbed and all around assholey these people can be it damn well seems they're trying their best to hurt and that it hurts so much. Now it's not true for all of them but gosh it hurts sometimes and I cant for the life of me see why? I haven't done something that out of order have I? I don't really think I have ever inflicted this kind of pointless pain on people. I mean I'll be the first to admit I'm an asshole but wow.

I need to surround myself with some better people. This isn't right. I don't know how others relate with their friends but it can't be like this everywhere. I don't want to be part of this anymore.

So, I guess I'm taking applications. I'm not perfect and I wont always be the person I should but I tell you what I won't ever intend to treat you as it feels they treat me.

I know that I don't know -- Knowing

You pay your money, you take your chance. Name of an album by a guy called Bruce Cockburn (co-burn for those snickering). It is not really an overly impacting album, (I do like it howeIver) but more what that title says.

I've picked up a few different statements, seemingly wise ones, that I like to tout or reflect on. This is one is about making your choice and living with it, basically. Another I like is, 'don't ask permission ask for forgiveness'. It is something that could end up getting one in a fair bit of trouble. So take that with a pinch of salt.

See I've had these 'things' recently and you know I'm just not very sure anymore. Not when I'm honest. Don't get me wrong speak to me and I think I have the right of everything but really at heart I don't know and know I don't... know, you knoe? I'm OK with this. I understand that most of the things I do is guess work and I'm wondering if I could settle and survive without making those assumptions, guesses and judgements. I mean anything that is yet to happen, that is this afternoon, tomorrow, next week. I don't know about them. I can tell you now that I will go to work and uni but I don't know this. The same with the past.

One of the problems with talking to people is that it is rare to have true understanding. One thinks they know, hell you assume and truly believe you know what is going on, what it is they're communicating. Particularly as a man someone says they're fine, I believe they are fine. Yet they may not be. I sometimes muse on the things running through my head and I'm pretty sure some of those are sending me to hell. I'm glad I don't communicate them. Could you imagine if people could see into your mind? Might be a bit of fun and a whole lot of trouble!

We live in a world with degrees of sureties. We make the best of the very limited information of others. I mean I am surprised witgh myself sometimes and I've been with me for twenty two years now; how the hell am I going to know some else... ever? I've been damn close to a couple of people and still there is surprise sometimes. It is nice to be wrong about people sometimes. It is fun not knowing sometimes. When I was younger I hated not knowing things. I've grown a bit since then and have resolved myself to the fact that there is no way of really knowing anything and so I let go of it. It's better this way. I can have some more fun.

Cheers guys.
More this week.

Black. White or Grey -- Changes

No one has the power to change you, unless you let them. That one is soully up to you. If you're with someone and you feel that they're changing you, you're wrong. You might be changing; they might be forcing the point. You can bend to that, you can break to that or you can insist upon nothing c  hanging. It may end your relationship. Might be for the best if that is the case. Or you might change them.

As I've written before every action has an equal and opposite reaction. The point is how one looks at it. Do you look at two individuals or the two as a relationship. A relationship is a system, the two parts acting and reacting to each other. What one does will undoubtedly provoke a confrontation with the other, even if they agree with their partner, you are confronted with that choice.

Your partner is inviting change at a conscious and subconscious level. The next step is whether or not you a conscious and aware of the impact they are having on you. This goes the same for friends and aquintences although perhaps not with the same intensity. I feel like people need to hear this. This is probably not the avenue for it mind but it's something.

Time with people in their late teens has reminded me of this stuff. They like to say how you shouldnt judge or if you judge it's your problem, (I'm paraphrasing here). The funny thing if you stop and look at how you as a human being behave. Intrinsically you are eternally judging things. Just to survive. You see a tiger or velociraptor bearing down on you, you don't stop to ask it's intent and meaning behind it's action you fucking well run cause it's going to eat you. The struggle lies in what you do with those judgements. Sometimes running is wise, sometimes confrontation. Sometimes just keeping your mouth closed is good. Unfortunately I can't help with what to do when, they get to be your choice.

The other thing in reguards to this is that I feel that us in our teens, twenties, thirties even and onward for many people are filled up with our self importance. I was speaking with someone who threw down a challenge to me saying that if their shorts were too short that their, "clothing suited their lifestyle and if I judge them for that it is my problem". Now that's cool and whatever but I'm a full time uni student doing engineering who works thirty hours a week and has other things to do as well. I'm pretty busy, there are certainly busier people than I and I can tell you now I really couldnt care less what someone is wearing. Don't get me wrong I can appreciate a nice outfit and laugh at a terrible one however I really don't have time or head space to think any more than that.

Good example yes? I thought so. I'd give a better one but that was the only one that came to mind.

So I think to summerize all of this it's important to stay true to yourself but not to resist change just because it is change. Rather be aware of the influences around you and try to pick the path you believe you want to follow. In the end that's really all we do anyway and maybe looking like this might be able to choose a happier path.

Movies -- Freewill

I have been watching The Adjustment Bureau, a good film if you haven't seen. I got to thinking that one, Emily Blunt is drop dead gorgeous and two, about how we have chance encounters and minor relationships. They come and go, forever and ever and they have lasting and real impacts and consequences.

I wrote a poem about this once even. Those encounters that I have, that you have, the ones on trains, on buses, in clubs or pubs, that person I saw today in the car on Ashmore Road. Sometimes these affects are small; a shift in your taste, in aesthetics, I spent two weeks with some guys who altered me in massive ways though, who changed who and what I am shifted my journey never to go down other paths.

So I was thinking about plans and being a pawn on a board. I don't think I believe in that but even if I did believe in it, it wouldn't matter. I don't know it, the illusion of free will is good enough for me.

So bring on the randoms the people I don't know, those who will change me. Maybe one or two of you will share my journey and I'll be lucky enough to see yours.

Problems of first world countries -- Busyness

Now, I know it seems like I pine for a girlfriend, a companion, someone who I can fall asleep and talk with and all the rest. It seems like this because I do. However since Friday night I have come home from uni, gone to work, finished got to my place of rest for the night slept for an hour, maybe an hour and a half and gone back to work, yay 7am starts. When I finished work there it was just after midday Saturday. I went back to home, and did a couple things I needed to but no where near all of the things I'd like to have prepared. I then proceeded to meet my family commitment for the weekend and then tried to get out to see some mates. About 9 by now. Halfway through travel from Brisbane to Gold Coast I was informed that they had had enough and were all going home... at 9:30pm... Apparently my friends aged to being in their forties without me noticing... Fair cop though, I've been busy and well to be honest sleep will do me some good. So went to bed around midnight, that I suppose is about standard for me. I woke up a few times before being proper awake at 6am. I then realised I had some time I dosed till 9. Got up dressed got stuff ready for the day spent 30 minutes paying a game and off to work.

I'm now at work. When I'm done I'll go home. I'll do some uni work if I'm good then maybe some TV or book or something I'll go to sleep, I'll get up and go to uni. That is my entirety of my weekend. Now seems fairly busy when put down like that. The problem is I consider that to be a fairly light weekend. Now there was probably some time where if I had a someone they could have seen me but really that's probably not fair. There is probably time during the week we could do something or rather but I'm pretty busy then too!

So I think I have to settle for pining. A friend of mine suggested getting a fuck buddy but I don't know if I could do that. I'll take applications and get back to whomever is interested when a solution has been resolved on the matter, mind. So what else can I do? I am busy but still there is a lot of time in cars or on public transport to mull on such things. It's why I keep busy  and it does work quite well. It seems it is hard to be busy enough.

All this business of being busy is essentially to stop my thinking. People often tell me I think too much. I don't believe this. I don't think someone can think too much. I'll explain. You see to say 'too much' means it can be a bad thing and well thinking of its self is not good or bad, it is just a thing. It can however be healthy or unhealthy. That is something that I'm trying to address. I want my thinking to be healthy or I don't want it at all.

Confrontation -- Physics

For every action their is an equal and opposite reaction. Basically you push something, it pushes back. Well until something breaks. This however applies to many, many things. It's often hard to tell when they break though.

My friend is about to pay a price for something they do not want. They are doing it for good reasons. They value their friend. Many people would say don't compromise yourself, your values and wants for someone else; however I'm hoping anyone who reads this knows the importance of being able to bend.

And so we find when we want two things but can only have one we make a choice. Damn I don't like that. I hate even more being forced to have to choose. How dare you make me do that but I will pay my money. I will take my chance. I will own it. Things will change.

People do this though. They do it all the time. 'This is what I want from them/for me and fuck the cost others have to pay'. Well fair enough but I'm not sure how good we people are at judging prices and values at times. As for consequences I'd be hard pressed to think of anyone I know who considers them when acting. Certainly no more than intuitively.

People think of others. Why does someone do what they did? Did it solve their problem? Why do you then have a problem with it? Let it go life is too short!

I value confrontation though. I do like it. When you butt heads against someone you find what it is you truely believe. What you hold onto. Then it changes. Alters twisting and turning to fit and mold around anothers experience and your experience of another. Some people I know think I like to argue for the sake of it and that is a half truth. I argue to find a new place to live. Even though sometimes I doesn't work.

The World Is Not Enough -- Still Circles

So I did it. More than once even. I told this person I thought they were really pretty. They thanked me and the world kept spinning. It was all very anti-climatic. Then I did it again. Although it was a lead singer of a moderately successful band. She really did have a beautiful smile though. I mean it was nice to say these things but as it turns out doesn't do anything for me. I have a suspicion it may just make me look a little weird. Who knew? I don't think I'll stop though, it costs nothing and I'm sure it will make someone happy. I mean my taste isn't exactly what one might expect anyway.

This is all well and good but I'm pretty sure like all things one cannot just going around telling people everything. Right? I mean, sure as hell not telling people I miss them or actually want anything from them. Especially when I don't think it would change anything. Is that because it's kinder on me or kinder to them? Quite probably a bit of both.

Anyway all these thoughts have been incredibly frustrating. Despite everything I do just can't quite be distracted enough. Pretty sure this frustration and aggression is coming out in ways it shouldn't. I do wonder if other people get like this? Music helps though, playing and listening. I'm having the most fun when dancing and before long I should be totally absorbed in uni work. God knows it's been long enough since I've done most of this stuff.

Still I'm keeping really busy. It is good but apparently I'm not busy enough and I know there are other things I need to be doing. Till next time.
Cheers Japetto.

P.S. Summerized:
There are pretty people
I tell them they are pretty
Nothinging happens

I miss them
I wish I didn't

This is anoying
This is how I cope with it
Look at this distraction

Its not working as well as I would have liked
End.

Waking dreams -- Picking up my Jaw

I had a different idea (or six) to present to you but have decided to put that on hold for a while.
I have in fact been thinking about other things the last few days. Particularly a bit of cowardice and a lot of, "wow, she's cute/pretty/beautiful" or any combination of the three. The problem I have is I didn't say that to anyone. With one notable exception.

I would have liked to have said that. I would have liked to have said, "Hey, look dont take this the worng way or anything but I think you are very pretty/beautiful". With no other motive than I thought it and maybe they might like to hear it. I got close with one but ended up stammering some stupid excuse for lingering eye contact making a silly joke cause I triped on a chair at the coffee shop. Sounds like a movie I know, was expecting any moment to have the director call cut and have a glass of water with Jennifer Anniston or something.

Intellectually I have nothing to lose and honestly I'm not really trying to gain anything. Yet I couldn't just speak these words. What was the problem? They are only words after all. I don't overly care how they are received either.

Oh well. I could probably arrange to see if I'm not forced to see each of them again. Perhaps I'll do it next time. Still nothing to lose...

Three Steps Forward, Two Steps Back -- Scattered

This seems sometimes to be the way of things. The three steps forward, two steps back. Probably not accurate but there you go feelings have never been a good judge of anything. I have been thinking about a lot of things the last couple days although nothing with much clarity or focus. Thoughts bouncing round my head and out my ears before I can chain them down. Where things are going, what I'm doing about it? How to fix my car and practise all those things I've been doing and work too much and try keep/get fit? Then there are the unusual ones.

I really love the poem Desiderata by Max Ehrmann (link at the bottom)  there are some great snippets in there. Particularly the bit about fears being brought on by fatigue and loneliness. Things seem more trouble, more painful and all around you have a little less patients when you're tired. I remind myself of it often. Sometimes I hope it is the truth. How much further can I push myself? I am sleeping better than I have for a long time. Well kinda.

Still tough days are tough. I've never liked Valentines day. I'm not a fan of most of the other Hallmark holidays either however I reserve a particular distaste for the fourteenth of February. I wont harp on about it, did that last time. I didn't do much though, worked, danced, drank and slept. All in all not a bad day at all. Today was much the same although I've only completed the working bit... So far

Essentially this one is about how scattered I have been the last few days. Not being able to pull together anything really helpful. I'm annoyed and angry and missing people and hurting. Despite it all I'm fairly contented just too busy to think too much about it. I don't think this is living in the moment like they talk about but I don't have much space for other things either. I don't have the space or the place to think anything really good right now. It is an interesting feeling. Being stretched like this. None of these things are out of control and yet...

Talk to you next time
Cheers Japetto

Desiderata - Max Ehrmann
http://www.lordtonymackenzie.com/desiderata.html

New things -- Variety learning.

I've always been very good at wanting to do many things. In fact I often say one day I will do x.y and z. Now this is all well and good but.

I'm pretty sure there are a number of people I've told about this who don't take me seriously. Hey, fair cop, pretty sure my track record up until this point is not fantastic.

This is not going to stay like this.

When I say I want to do something I'm damn well going to do it!

This isn't just a promise either.
I've started. I dance twice a week something I've said I want to do but never have until now. I'm 22 now! Also piano. I've loved music for many a year. I've tried playing drums and guitar. I even was moderately proficient at guitar for a little while. Then I put it down for three years. Anyway I've picked the guitar up and I practise. Not as much as I should be enough that there is slow improvement. I do like to play by ear, I can do it to an extent. But now. Yes now I have started piano and learning music. Real music! Just in a couple weeks I'm starting to recognise things. It's quite similar to starting to read I think. Something I haven't done for a long time!

There are other things I've said I'm going to do.
I just love learning new skills/abilities/shit. Here's a few;
Ride a horse,
Snowboard,
Saxophone (after piano and guitar)

I want to be someone who does what I say I'm going to. It may not be tomorrow or even this year but I really want to be that guy.
What do you want to do? Going to do it?

Cheers Japetto

AAAAHHHHH!!!! -- Letting Go

I've never been very good at letting go. I don't like it, never have, need to get used to it. Letting go is not easy. At least I've never found it easy. I went to a number of schools, have loved and lost, seen suicides and watched friends move on or be left behind. I'm not very good at letting go of people. Of feelings or things.

The overwhelming thing I fall back to however is that whatever, life goes on. The world keeps spinning and before you know it another day is upon us.

I really would like to be better at compartmentalising. For those who might not know what I mean is that I can take a situation or feeling box it, store it and move on. It is a coping mechanism that many people use. It is a useful tool but can be very unhealthy.

I'm about to do another goodbye. I don't like them. I certainly don't begrudge my friends moving on to bigger and better things. Or at least I hope I don't. Just wish I could journey with them I suppose. Particularly good friends. Mind you in this case I don't think I'm half as important as I thought I may have been whoops. The flawed mindset of thinking you are important to someone as they are to you. I thought I may have already learnt that lesson but here it is again.

So goodbye my love. I'll miss our talks and our time. It is time to take the plunge and watch the rivers of time and life flowing onwards into the sea of.... yes thats a big load of crap. Goodluck my heart. I wish you all the best. Don't forget those you leave behind Icaris.

Shower Epiphonies -- Revelations

So I had an epiphony in the shower. It's probably not what you think. I was thinking about the past week or so. About girls, about dancing, music, relationships and myself. In particular it would have been about how I relate and interact with those things.

I epiphonied! I really like who I am.

That may not seem like a whole lot but for the past decade I haven't. Now about March last year I decided I wanted to really like and be at peace with who I am. I focused on it for a couple months thought it was getting better, getting worse. As with alot of things like that I really gave up on it and just continued on living.

I don't know when the change occured or what it was that changed my mind but I came to the realisation that, "I am who I am, want to be and will choose to be whoever I am. I am a good person and deserving of peoples time. If they don't give me their time there is nothing wrong with that. I really like who I am".

Thats a hell of thing for me!
I wanted to capture this moment more for me than for anyone else.
Welcome to being privy to me!
James

Singles Awareness Day -- Differentiation.

Up coming is Single Awareness Day (SAD) AKA February 14th AKA Valentines Day (thank you Scarlet). This little event got me thinking, although, maybe not in the way you might think it would.

Now I don't really have a problem with SAD although I have felt for a long time that it is a of a day of exclusion. I am, as you can guess, single however and this (hopefully not to much of a) rant is about couples. In particular young couples. Old couples in theory should have this sorted (although they don't) and singles shouldn't have this issue.

Anyway in the title I use a word. It is seventeen letters long and has a meaning (duh). Several meanings actually depending on where you look. Differentiation for the purpose of this is to do with the intermingling of two people within a relationship and their individual identities. Partly the concept of being whipped for blokes or whatever the woman equivalent is. Whatever the next step after making sandwiches is I guess? It has always irked me the way people get together and then they morph into this one hideous entity. They disappear sometimes for weeks on end into their cocoon and when they emerge they are this horrid gelatinous blob of a being that used to resemble your mate and or matette. They lose all ability to make decisions when you talk to one head but not the other. THIS IS WRONG! If this is you... IT'S WRONG!... FIX IT!

OK so maybe that is a touch harsh. Don't get me wrong I'll let it go on for a month maybe even two. Who knows when/if I ever have another girl friend I may do this. I'm perfectly willing to let you get away with it for a little while. In the end, you may seem like a crime against nature and you must remember that you are two separate things. The same as you always were. The person you're mates loved (or in my case put up with *wink*). Us single people (as long as we haven't just been ditched) don't begrudge you having someone. That is awesome. We really think so. Whilst you are this one entity, (its a relationship after all) you are two separate beings. This needs to be remembered. I said it twice because it is important.

So, enough of joint Facebook accounts. 95% of partners will not cheat on you if they go out of an evening without you. Going out with boys/girls keeps you sane. You need to maintain those friends you had before you met and keep meeting new ones. I won't lie it took me losing someone to learn these lessons. Sometime there are things you will like and not the other, this is OK and not the end of the world. Stop looking for the perfect partners. Stop thinking your partner is perfect. They're not and that is life, you should revel in it.

"No man is an island" said Mr John Donne, Eve was created to keep Adam company (if you believe that). We like to be in relationships. The rest of us like them to be healthy. Take time to be yourself, do what you want and be sure and certain in the knowledge of who you are and your individuality. Having said that be open to trying new things, with or without someone. Share and all that jazz. We, I, totally understand. I just want you to be healthy and grown up in your relationships now and to see MY BLOODY MATE!

cheers guys see you next time
Japetto :-P

Dualism -- Pistols at dawn.

Drawing lines in the sand/dirt/imaginary philosophical position. We all do it to some degree or another. The past few days it has struck me, not quite like a fist to the face but perhaps a solid push, just how dualistic people are. Dualistism is basically the black and white line we draw. This is what I accept and this is what I do not. This is right, this is wrong. Getting the picture? Whilst true dualism is exactly this, and in western thinking, they are polar opposites (e.g. Good and Evil) I mean to discuss the more practical reality of how dualism works for me in my thinking, beliefs, understanding and struggles. Black and white is boring after all, its why we made colour TV.

I recently read a book by Scott Adams called God's Debris. In this book one of the central characters asserts that the human brain is a delusion generator. What he was saying is that there is so much information out there in reality that to deal with it our natural and healthy brains take what they can and make up the rest. This train of thought has some scientific basis to it as well (go New Age science). Now following this thought this adds up to the brain making choices. 'This I like I'll hold onto this' so on and so forth. Regardless of delusion or not this is a process that occurs all the time on each new piece of information our brain recieves. This is where my dualistic mind is centred. Trying to survive in a huge torrent of information.

Unfortunately inherent in this right wrong world is the distinct lack of wiggle room for interpretation. If I say something you either accept it or reject it. Back to what I started with these aren't hard and fast. Most people will accept a bit of grey area with a few exceptions. Fanatics don't believe in the concept of grey, and so we have my way or the highway. The thing is the dualistic mentality works (to a point). I am a 'dualistic thinking man', although I'll accept debate on thinking and man. Almost no greater expression of dualism can be found than in the two party political system found in the USA, (not exactly a shinning example of democracy if you ask me).

As I said to a point. Black and white has it's limits in understanding and communication. Like 99% of everything it is a half truth. Don't nobody say they have the truth and point to a religious/philosophical/political book/work/manifesto. Struggle lies in that grey area though. Grey area is dangerous. It should come with a warning, 'here be monsters'. Grey area is misty, hard to see where you are placing your feet and there are plenty of rocks and cliffs to trip over. Having said that I do wonder the more time you spend in the grey does it get any smaller? Any bigger? I want to be in the grey. I like saying I don't know. The Grey frees me from judgement and more importantly condemnation. I think it could be fun.

Bang

Hello and Welcome to My Mind

Hello,
Welcome to my mind. Honestly though I do believe in years gone past this is why people had friends. That is not to say I don't have friends now. I do have this burning desire to get this thinking and these thoughts out of my head and somewhere. I'm sure some of them will be pure gold... and most of them a steaming pile of crap. If no body ever reads this, you know, I think I will be OK with that. I can't say how long this will last or whether it will go on from today. If I was would it be daily, weekly? Who knows and really I don't care overly much. It will be as it will be just as I am sure life will go on with or without this potential golden crap.

So dear reader I shall share with you some of the thoughts I had today. I have considered understanding. The concept of understanding and true understanding. I got to this thought from the starting point of belief.

I feel I am like many people; or I at least hope so and I like many people am not certain of what I believe or even if I believe in anything at all. Despite this I think I do (believe in something), I think belief goes hand in hand with existence. I grew up in a christian household my folks even went as far as to be ministers for one or two... maybe ten years. Now they have moved on (I think) and so have I. However, I don't know where I have moved to. So all I can really say is that I don't believe that anymore. So what do I believe when all I can really say is what I don't believe?

The understanding bit came in when I was thinking about people I know who may have made similar journeys. Not because of some traumatic experience or any reason other than they got to the point where they no longer really believed in whatever it was they believed. In particular one person drew this thought. I wondered; do they comprehend that they don't believe that anymore? Do they really realise that to remove that form their understanding their universe needs to have something substituted in there? I decided that probably not. They really didn't understand what not believing is. I went on to imagine that most people don't truly understand, well pretty much anything.

I certainly don't mean that last thought to be insulting. I certainly hardly understand much and as I said no idea what I believe. Although that is not strictly true. I have some idea, it's just overly vague and just a big mass of grey in a big ocean of ideas. Fluid, always changing, and never the same from one moment to the next. This post modern, existentialism is not always that helpful.

That would be my next thought. I am as you can see both those things. It is a nice place to be but can be challenging at times. Like many I am need of direction/purpose. The problem with this style of thinking is (at least for me) I struggle to take direction from outside. As after all that is your direction, and there is nothing wrong with that, but it just isn't my direction. There in lies the dilemma of existentialist living I guess. Well for me anyway.

Anyway I have been distracted for two paragraphs and should get back to the original thought. See my problem with all this comes from that ignorance, (I know people say it is bliss and I'm quite ready to believe them, these people whoever they are). See despite not believing in something and then substituting something in there for that; I'm sure people do this without knowing they do so. And perhaps they don't even know that, yet they don't just flash out of existence. They go about their jobs and lives, families and friends. Some of them I'm sure are even happy. I like that. I just don't think it is fair. Someone else should struggle with existence. Or at least tell me they do.

I must say. That was not the conclusion I expected. It is rather disappointing really. To get to the end and the ending is like that. Like all those really good movies that are fun and engaging and just as he is about to get the girl she dies, the dog runs away and the bank takes the house. Sorry, I'll try better next time (and I do think there will be a next time)
See you then.
Japetto.