Conversations of the Insane -- See for Yourself

"GROW UP DAMNIT! How much longer will things be like this? What is the point, what are you doing? It is flawed and failing fast. THINGS HAVE TO CHANGE between us. I can't keep with this past, the swings the ups and downs it is just way too much. I think there is something seriously wrong  with you."
"I know, I'm sorry you're right."
"So what are you doing here? Do you want to be like this?"
"No, it's pathetic but so hard, why do you have to be so harsh?"
"I can't let you ruin things for me. I'm busy, I have much to do. I'm time poor. I can't waste my time having to deal with you."
"Well why don't you deal with me. Not a one way street, you can't just focus on what it is your doing, there is more than that. You have to be a person sometimes."
"Deal with yourself! It's not my responsibility to look after you. You're an adult, behave like one. I will not do this for you anymore. I think we need to have a serious talk about where we are going."

"But things can be so good. I need you."
"You are important to me too but I don't need you and right now I don't want you."
"But you are my everything. I wont know what to do next. I don't need you for purpose but just to encourage me to keep going."
"I dont want to be doing that anymore. I dont like this, I dont want this."
"Well then, I will have to change. What was it that you want to change?"
"EVERYTHING! Leave me be. I just don't want you right now."

Molten Iron -- Anger and Rebirth

There is something pure about anger. A white hot furnace of truth. A position reflecting the heart. Anger is honest. That is, it can't be easy to have dishonest anger so by process of elimination. What then is anger, wrath cannot exist for the purpose of wrath. Where is the shame and the hurt? the affront and sadness. When the fires of rage are exhausted, when the fuel is gone, what is left?

This fire analogy is an apt one. It describes what happens. The anger passes. Try to see what is left, see what is underneath. See the pride and shame and the ever testing trials of flaws we have no say on but to grow through. Remember the pain of growing, of the difficulty of moving to a new place. The mind and soul, or however you wish to identify them, are not dissimilar to the body, they grow, sometimes it takes a while to catch up. Sometimes they may never quite get there.

And in so keeping with what is anger it begins in white hotness and now on this packed train of people who are not people, with space all around me there is the inevitable depression that is regrowth. Phoenix are beautiful.

Lovers and Friends -- Redifining

Look around, at the people you know. It seems many of them have these wonderful support groups. Surrounded by lovers and people for them, people who trust and are trusted to help and accept. Friends is what I figure they are. Not so sure if that is correct anymore. People still have these groups around them, people who trust, love, support and sustain. But is that what a friend is?

They say you can judge a man by the company he keeps. I ask these questions from a place of sadness. There is no anger in the passing of a lover. Such things happen but mourning at the loss of something that was always so wonderful and ever present. We each make our choices and there is no prize for self sacrifice. What would be left to love if it has all been sacrificed unto the alter of others?

People do things they think are right, or at least ok. It is hindsight providing the insight into err. How much damage can you do before things don't heal. Can you forgive the blunder. When the bandage is moved with it still pump red to the soil enriching the dirt with your essence. Are all men born equal or are some more equal than others?

Help and hinder -- Sinking, Swimming, Standing, Falling.

It is important to help people stand. Stand on their own two feet, proud and strong human beings. Musing on the importance of helping people and the balance between empowering and uplifting and the unhelpful doing things for them, essentially 'weakening' leading to dependence. How much can one do for a friend before they need to stand unaided? How much can I ask of my friends without crippling my own abilities? Yet certainly there is a difference between this and constant and unrelenting criticism. How important is it for me to know that I have disappointed you when it is entirely likely I have disappointed myself so very much more. Which one hurts more keenly? When a kid falls do you offer your hand to help them up or do you stand on their back pushing them back down?

Equally, surely it is important to be able to hear when you are being uplifted and not just the criticism (even if they are constructive). It has been said that it takes three times as many good words to have the same effect of one bad one. It is also very important to be sure in yourself of when you have done something right and good in the world. To be OK with it being just that and not having the world point and sing your praises. If only I could tell myself this ten years ago and hear. If only I could hear it now!

I hope that I never stop growing and that as time stretches out and onward I become more at peace with who I am and what I do. This however needs to be tempered with a healthy ambition and desire to be a working member of society, to do my bit, to work hard at my job and not just being a good person. These things can be hand in hand. Both personal and professional development in practise. They are not mutually exclusive possibilities they will work together. These things seem not to be taught but are learnt. For all the sense that statement makes. Still time to drink away the disappointment and drink to celebrate the good times. Till I see you again.