Hard Work, Marriage and Perspective -- Cold Hearted

So on another train ride. Not going to uni or anything now going north to a wedding but more on that later. So this train ride, going north and sitting near Americans. Students. They seemed nice enough but I was amazed at how different our lives were. How different our experiences have been the paradigmes we have set up for ourselves. These up bringings that have shapped the way we are but the inherent predejuces. Not saying that they were racist but there was a certian arogance about the way the spoke to each other. A certain entitl,emt they seemed to feel. Travelling through a gorgeous area of south east Queensland called the Glasshouse Mountains and not even looking out the window.

I would have liked to have chatted with them about a number of things but they weren't really interested. I would have loved to have learnt about them. That would have been really cool. Things must be so different in the US. I must go there one day. Just to see what it is like. I do think I want to spend too much time there. There is way too much stuff that I find genuinely terrifying about that world. Something alien. I know that sounds quite xenophobic. Maybe it is.

Still the wedding. A far more important thing for this day. I don't like weddings though. It is not the thought of matrimony that bothers me because it does not. I rather idealise the joining of two people and do mean people, into a publicly recognised, commited relationship.

No what bothers me is the rhetoric. The game. Why do we need to talk of how these people were fated to be together? Fate's role in this is irrelevent. In fact I would begrudge fate if he had a hand in it for it absolves choice. Everyone should be accountable for their choices. Everyone needs to work for it right?

Don't read too much into this.

It's been six weeks since I've done one of these. It has been a damn busy six weeks too. Uni getting down to business, work mostly just getting int he way and not paying enough. Picked up a hobby again. Won't tell you about it, it's slightly embarrassing. The idea that we should confront ourselves with who we are is important. It is dangerous. It is also not a certain thing. The view we have of ourselves is limited at best only by a wanting to be the best self and at the worst is entirely inaccurate for a whole bunch of reasons.

For these reasons and others maybe we have friends to guide us and shape us in the ways we would like. Perhaps sometimes you can get back on track with a gentle nudge, as long as they nudge the way you want.

I'm beating round the bush.

I often feel pretty crappy, not sick, but just really low. Depression is definitely a real thing and has very real effects. Causes are often different and the manifestations too. I'm ok with this. What concerns me is the why. I don't understand why. In investigating what it could be with doctors and others alike, I have become familiar with waiting and the mediocrity of receptionists. I'm concerned though that it's not something easily fixable.

I'm worried that my brain is frying. I don't feel as clever or switched on as I used to be. It takes me longer to grasp things than it used to and extrapolating on that is getting harder. I'm losing track of time, imagining things and becoming forgetful. Feel like I'm relating really poorly with people, doing and saying terrible things, not because I want to but because I misread or phrase things wrong. Maybe these are the signs of growing up? Maybe these are normal? I don't know.

That scares the crap out of me. It's probably not even true. Certainly today I'm not in the correct space to make a good call and that certainly isn't a good one. I just want to be normal(ish). That would be nice. Then I wouldn't write about this stuff and I'd just go about doing what needs to be done, seeing people who wish to be seen and all the rest that people like you do. To focus on the important stuff in life not the trivial or the stuff that doesn't even effect.

The Great Struggle -- Winning Battles.

People talk about what they struggle with. The greatest struggle has been for a lot of people not some hardship forced upon them, not some depravity they have had to live with, not a lack of oppotunity. The great struggle is that of the internal struggle. The struggle with yourself, myself, the self. I struggle with myself, my head, my heart and although they are not different sometimes I need a little bit of help.

Conversations of the Insane -- See for Yourself

"GROW UP DAMNIT! How much longer will things be like this? What is the point, what are you doing? It is flawed and failing fast. THINGS HAVE TO CHANGE between us. I can't keep with this past, the swings the ups and downs it is just way too much. I think there is something seriously wrong  with you."
"I know, I'm sorry you're right."
"So what are you doing here? Do you want to be like this?"
"No, it's pathetic but so hard, why do you have to be so harsh?"
"I can't let you ruin things for me. I'm busy, I have much to do. I'm time poor. I can't waste my time having to deal with you."
"Well why don't you deal with me. Not a one way street, you can't just focus on what it is your doing, there is more than that. You have to be a person sometimes."
"Deal with yourself! It's not my responsibility to look after you. You're an adult, behave like one. I will not do this for you anymore. I think we need to have a serious talk about where we are going."

"But things can be so good. I need you."
"You are important to me too but I don't need you and right now I don't want you."
"But you are my everything. I wont know what to do next. I don't need you for purpose but just to encourage me to keep going."
"I dont want to be doing that anymore. I dont like this, I dont want this."
"Well then, I will have to change. What was it that you want to change?"
"EVERYTHING! Leave me be. I just don't want you right now."

Molten Iron -- Anger and Rebirth

There is something pure about anger. A white hot furnace of truth. A position reflecting the heart. Anger is honest. That is, it can't be easy to have dishonest anger so by process of elimination. What then is anger, wrath cannot exist for the purpose of wrath. Where is the shame and the hurt? the affront and sadness. When the fires of rage are exhausted, when the fuel is gone, what is left?

This fire analogy is an apt one. It describes what happens. The anger passes. Try to see what is left, see what is underneath. See the pride and shame and the ever testing trials of flaws we have no say on but to grow through. Remember the pain of growing, of the difficulty of moving to a new place. The mind and soul, or however you wish to identify them, are not dissimilar to the body, they grow, sometimes it takes a while to catch up. Sometimes they may never quite get there.

And in so keeping with what is anger it begins in white hotness and now on this packed train of people who are not people, with space all around me there is the inevitable depression that is regrowth. Phoenix are beautiful.

Lovers and Friends -- Redifining

Look around, at the people you know. It seems many of them have these wonderful support groups. Surrounded by lovers and people for them, people who trust and are trusted to help and accept. Friends is what I figure they are. Not so sure if that is correct anymore. People still have these groups around them, people who trust, love, support and sustain. But is that what a friend is?

They say you can judge a man by the company he keeps. I ask these questions from a place of sadness. There is no anger in the passing of a lover. Such things happen but mourning at the loss of something that was always so wonderful and ever present. We each make our choices and there is no prize for self sacrifice. What would be left to love if it has all been sacrificed unto the alter of others?

People do things they think are right, or at least ok. It is hindsight providing the insight into err. How much damage can you do before things don't heal. Can you forgive the blunder. When the bandage is moved with it still pump red to the soil enriching the dirt with your essence. Are all men born equal or are some more equal than others?

Help and hinder -- Sinking, Swimming, Standing, Falling.

It is important to help people stand. Stand on their own two feet, proud and strong human beings. Musing on the importance of helping people and the balance between empowering and uplifting and the unhelpful doing things for them, essentially 'weakening' leading to dependence. How much can one do for a friend before they need to stand unaided? How much can I ask of my friends without crippling my own abilities? Yet certainly there is a difference between this and constant and unrelenting criticism. How important is it for me to know that I have disappointed you when it is entirely likely I have disappointed myself so very much more. Which one hurts more keenly? When a kid falls do you offer your hand to help them up or do you stand on their back pushing them back down?

Equally, surely it is important to be able to hear when you are being uplifted and not just the criticism (even if they are constructive). It has been said that it takes three times as many good words to have the same effect of one bad one. It is also very important to be sure in yourself of when you have done something right and good in the world. To be OK with it being just that and not having the world point and sing your praises. If only I could tell myself this ten years ago and hear. If only I could hear it now!

I hope that I never stop growing and that as time stretches out and onward I become more at peace with who I am and what I do. This however needs to be tempered with a healthy ambition and desire to be a working member of society, to do my bit, to work hard at my job and not just being a good person. These things can be hand in hand. Both personal and professional development in practise. They are not mutually exclusive possibilities they will work together. These things seem not to be taught but are learnt. For all the sense that statement makes. Still time to drink away the disappointment and drink to celebrate the good times. Till I see you again.

Lots of Question -- Older You Are The Less You Know

I feel that for the first piece of moderately introspective writing of the year I should, perhaps, in light of the times examine the end of last year and optimistically project on to this year. Figure it is two months late though. It was also single awareness day this week, missed that too. So why do we have these tendencies. These strange desires to look on the past and project in to the futures neither of which are accurate realities or even real. To make days out of nothing and resolutions. It is true that you reap what you sow and also that you see what you wish to see.

The struggle is the balance of doing what is good for me, the individual and yet live without being overly selfish, where ever you set that bar. Balance in what is right for the only life I have and having kindness and compassion for others. Showing the right amount of genuine interest in the lives of others. The other thing is what happens when those close to you, the ones you invest in their well being, what happens when they don't respond or no longer respond. When they move away or move on. How long do you hold on, can you always move together? Obviously I struggle with these because I see and experience them, but what do I miss?

When I applied for uni I applied for a mixture of engineering and psychology. People are fascinating, what makes them tick, what makes you do what you do and why do we make the choices when they seem like the opposite of what we should do. The difficulty being there doesn't seem to be many good answers. People split between how we believe the brain works, where does the human being lay in the brain what is pulling the strings, (if someone knows an answer for this please let me know). Where does attraction lie and what stops people taking the plunge doing things which they may not have considered. How much more effort does it take?

There are so many questions about people and life. So much is known but ever more questions. Through all this, tomorrow I will go to work to make sure I can keep eating. Can't help but feel I could almost be doing something better with my time.

High school -- Doing it right

So I have been thinking about high school education for quite a while now and today a internet personality I really liked asked about how would people change learning in highschools this was my response. I had planned to write on this topic soon anyway.

Day9.tv  Look on the forums for the thread.

Specific is the wrong way to go!

 

Hi there Day[9], Viewers,
My name is James and I am twenty three years old currently studying my second degree in a wonderful far away land known as Australia. My first degree was about Creative Technology, particularly sound and audio, my second a straight up Engineering degree majoring in Mechanical and I have been thinking about these questions on education for the last year in reference to where I have been, where I am going and how my schooling has helped (or hindered) my development and understanding of the world around me. I have even started working on articulating them in my own personal blog.

Whilst I liked what Day[9] said in his original post I disagree entirely with the premise that educating of young people can be done in three subjects or that even changing three subjects would alter the school system at all. Education should aim to produce well rounded, well formed people and not about subject knowledge, I'm doing enough of that at uni and at this level we can cover the work in a quarter of the time. Instead it would be immensely valuable to society as a whole to spend time teaching young adults to begin to look after themselves. Teach them healthy lifestyles. How to deal with depression, to maintain exercise and be able to cook. These are basics that I taught myself once I left home really.

It would also be of value to society to have these young and creative people well versed in the arts and philosophy and be able to reason with it. To argue with it, wrestle and struggle and to be pointed in the direction of conclusions. There are so many wonderful experiences in the field of arts from ballet to tap dancing, Shakespeare to musicals, from Picasso to Debussy to Led Zeppelin to Lady Gaga. All of these things have value, even if like in the case of Nicki Minaj, it is that no one ever does it ever again ever. Hell, that is the stuff of PhD's, expanding knew knowledge others have not done before.

Despite these wonderful things an increasing dependence on technology is evident. This is a trend that has been coming for a while now, since the industrial revolution and is continuing to increase. As such basic numeracy and understanding of the physical world is required. the ability to understand what is going on with basic trig and algebra even though many people do it without realising that is in fact what they are doing (finding some number). Then to apply that to their finances as so many people here have suggested and recognised as important for making good and appropriate life choices, to build a better life.

I suppose what needs to be addressed is how much can young adults teach themselves, how much needs to be developed and nurtured and what is too important to risk someone missing. I don't have any suggestions on subjects that need doing other than to say we need to know so much now as young adults and the ceiling is getting ever higher how do we deal with an increasing need to know more? What can be cut away but how much bath water can we lose before we risk the baby? However it bodes well for education that we are able to have these discussions in public forum. It says that perhaps it is not all bad. However there is going to be an ongoing need to review and improve this system and how we as adults and leaders work to develop and grow the hearts and minds of young people.

I'm out, I plan to continue with this, this coming year. To improve writing and understanding