Waking dreams -- Picking up my Jaw

I had a different idea (or six) to present to you but have decided to put that on hold for a while.
I have in fact been thinking about other things the last few days. Particularly a bit of cowardice and a lot of, "wow, she's cute/pretty/beautiful" or any combination of the three. The problem I have is I didn't say that to anyone. With one notable exception.

I would have liked to have said that. I would have liked to have said, "Hey, look dont take this the worng way or anything but I think you are very pretty/beautiful". With no other motive than I thought it and maybe they might like to hear it. I got close with one but ended up stammering some stupid excuse for lingering eye contact making a silly joke cause I triped on a chair at the coffee shop. Sounds like a movie I know, was expecting any moment to have the director call cut and have a glass of water with Jennifer Anniston or something.

Intellectually I have nothing to lose and honestly I'm not really trying to gain anything. Yet I couldn't just speak these words. What was the problem? They are only words after all. I don't overly care how they are received either.

Oh well. I could probably arrange to see if I'm not forced to see each of them again. Perhaps I'll do it next time. Still nothing to lose...

Three Steps Forward, Two Steps Back -- Scattered

This seems sometimes to be the way of things. The three steps forward, two steps back. Probably not accurate but there you go feelings have never been a good judge of anything. I have been thinking about a lot of things the last couple days although nothing with much clarity or focus. Thoughts bouncing round my head and out my ears before I can chain them down. Where things are going, what I'm doing about it? How to fix my car and practise all those things I've been doing and work too much and try keep/get fit? Then there are the unusual ones.

I really love the poem Desiderata by Max Ehrmann (link at the bottom)  there are some great snippets in there. Particularly the bit about fears being brought on by fatigue and loneliness. Things seem more trouble, more painful and all around you have a little less patients when you're tired. I remind myself of it often. Sometimes I hope it is the truth. How much further can I push myself? I am sleeping better than I have for a long time. Well kinda.

Still tough days are tough. I've never liked Valentines day. I'm not a fan of most of the other Hallmark holidays either however I reserve a particular distaste for the fourteenth of February. I wont harp on about it, did that last time. I didn't do much though, worked, danced, drank and slept. All in all not a bad day at all. Today was much the same although I've only completed the working bit... So far

Essentially this one is about how scattered I have been the last few days. Not being able to pull together anything really helpful. I'm annoyed and angry and missing people and hurting. Despite it all I'm fairly contented just too busy to think too much about it. I don't think this is living in the moment like they talk about but I don't have much space for other things either. I don't have the space or the place to think anything really good right now. It is an interesting feeling. Being stretched like this. None of these things are out of control and yet...

Talk to you next time
Cheers Japetto

Desiderata - Max Ehrmann
http://www.lordtonymackenzie.com/desiderata.html

New things -- Variety learning.

I've always been very good at wanting to do many things. In fact I often say one day I will do x.y and z. Now this is all well and good but.

I'm pretty sure there are a number of people I've told about this who don't take me seriously. Hey, fair cop, pretty sure my track record up until this point is not fantastic.

This is not going to stay like this.

When I say I want to do something I'm damn well going to do it!

This isn't just a promise either.
I've started. I dance twice a week something I've said I want to do but never have until now. I'm 22 now! Also piano. I've loved music for many a year. I've tried playing drums and guitar. I even was moderately proficient at guitar for a little while. Then I put it down for three years. Anyway I've picked the guitar up and I practise. Not as much as I should be enough that there is slow improvement. I do like to play by ear, I can do it to an extent. But now. Yes now I have started piano and learning music. Real music! Just in a couple weeks I'm starting to recognise things. It's quite similar to starting to read I think. Something I haven't done for a long time!

There are other things I've said I'm going to do.
I just love learning new skills/abilities/shit. Here's a few;
Ride a horse,
Snowboard,
Saxophone (after piano and guitar)

I want to be someone who does what I say I'm going to. It may not be tomorrow or even this year but I really want to be that guy.
What do you want to do? Going to do it?

Cheers Japetto

AAAAHHHHH!!!! -- Letting Go

I've never been very good at letting go. I don't like it, never have, need to get used to it. Letting go is not easy. At least I've never found it easy. I went to a number of schools, have loved and lost, seen suicides and watched friends move on or be left behind. I'm not very good at letting go of people. Of feelings or things.

The overwhelming thing I fall back to however is that whatever, life goes on. The world keeps spinning and before you know it another day is upon us.

I really would like to be better at compartmentalising. For those who might not know what I mean is that I can take a situation or feeling box it, store it and move on. It is a coping mechanism that many people use. It is a useful tool but can be very unhealthy.

I'm about to do another goodbye. I don't like them. I certainly don't begrudge my friends moving on to bigger and better things. Or at least I hope I don't. Just wish I could journey with them I suppose. Particularly good friends. Mind you in this case I don't think I'm half as important as I thought I may have been whoops. The flawed mindset of thinking you are important to someone as they are to you. I thought I may have already learnt that lesson but here it is again.

So goodbye my love. I'll miss our talks and our time. It is time to take the plunge and watch the rivers of time and life flowing onwards into the sea of.... yes thats a big load of crap. Goodluck my heart. I wish you all the best. Don't forget those you leave behind Icaris.