This Could Get Messy -- God and Living

I'm really appreciating how young I am instead of feeling like an old bastard (damn you uni). I look at my life and I SO don't have anything together yet. The realisation came however that, that's fine, I'm young. Hell, I look around me and I can't recognise any other people my age who have it together. Not even those whom are married and have kids or are looking to get married and all of that. We all have our things. It is truly amazing. This isn't even a comparison issue either. It doesn't make any difference whether I'm more or less together than you, or him, or her, or them! I think that is my favourite bit. It just stops at, 'I don't have it all together yet'. I don't know if you ever do have it together or perhaps you get it together and lose it again. Honestly none of that matters. I'm fine with not being together now. Some people might say that is living in the moment.

I'm not really sure what living in the moment is. When someone says it I think I know what they are talking about however it is one of those things that so many talk about. People preach the virtues of living in the moment, yet it seems so few do it. Obviously not that great. Or so stupidly difficult that most people can never hope to achieve. I also wonder about the whole YOLO thing, You Only Live Once (or You Obviously Like Owls, thank you Jeph Jacques at Questionable Content). People use it as a justification to do some of the stupidest things. If anything it is a reason to live cautiously.

There are many schools of thought on this. Most of the monotheists believe in some sort of life after death and it will be good, as long as you believe what they tell you to believe. The others more of a reincarnation thing. I mean in each of these you really can do what you like cause they will let you either have another try or you go into the big vast void of paradise. If you are a true atheist however, or refute the concept of after life then you in essence have two options really. It's not really this simple but for ease of concept. You can either go, 'fuck this', eat fuck drink sleep do what you like as long as if fits within that personal code of ethics or live like this is all you ever got and it is your one chance to do something. Generally people slide between the two of those. True atheism the belief in nothing, in nothing but probability and chance scares me. I don't like Karma, people rarely get what they deserve and the monotheistic religions concern me in their exclusivity.

For your information I grew up in a christian household the eldest son of ministers. My folks however are a little unorthodox in their beliefs and that's about all I can tell you about what they believe. I however, am bitter and cynical about churches and the people involved with them. My problem mostly stems from the way they prioritise things according to if I serve church, I am therefore serving God. It is a dangerous way to be. This isn't a conscious thought either. I found that there should be a much greater emphasis on people. Don't go to church or something churchie at the expense of seeing a secular friend. Don't go to a weekly group because that is 'serving God', instead of your friends birthday (yes this did happen). That is where religion has made its greatest mistake I think. The concept that I must put God first and I find God at church or church things or that somehow it is easier to find God there. Particularly for Christianity. This secular idea of God where it is outside of you and your life, so you either do God or you do human, and with the traditional doctrine of original sin you are generally wanting to do things which god does not like, cause you are bad.

I really struggled with that and as such I reject too much. Babies and bathwater you know. Atheism scares the shit out of me and I think the translation and re translation of holy books has been so muddied that true meaning is lost. There are still some truly wonderful and beautiful things in them. The song of Soloman is a fantastic example of erotic literature. I struggle with these things and the champions of their causes. You may read that I like a balance a bit of left and right and I don't think this is any different. The other option is the justification for there being few true believers. Anyway that's a thought for another time this is already really long. I really hope I don't spark some great debate between people or insight too much unfair criticisms of my ideas. They are thoughts ever changing and moving from one moment to the next. I live across all of them and I pick the ones that suit me at the time. I'll talk to you guys soon.

James

Links: Twitter
And something that changed some of the styles of my thinking... God's Debris
P.S. I'm sorry I am not a better writer who is better able to convey and explain ideas which are probably exceptionally confusing.

Bitch -- Angry and Frustrated.

I really love language. It is really a great tool. I find it such a shame that I'm told to dumb down my language so people can half understand what I'm saying. It is so frustrating. I don't go out of my way to be difficult but I choose my words carefully. Mostly for their meaning but sometimes just their sound. To be fair this blog isn't really about the sadness of the depleting vocabulary of society. I'm frustrated and angry. I am furious.

I'm not really furious at anything just frustrated at the world. Could be hormones or stress or whatever. Really though. I just want to rant and rave at someone or something. Give me an excuse, say somethings stupid I dare you. I mean I've been wanting to write about space, about understanding, concepts and how difficult understanding can be but fuck! Just you know grrr. It's my birthday this week. I normally like to make it one day a year rather special. This year I'm not really doing anything about it.

It's weird cause in the past I've made it quite important to me, this year however, I'm not. I have a few suspicions why most of them I don't like though. Maybe I'm just growing up, although I don't think so. I'm scattered tonight guys... can you tell? I know I'm overly tired it's probably whats getting to me more than anything. Today I cannot face the things I need to face tomorrow. Yet I have learnt that despite all things the world keeps spinning and tomorrow will come. I will face what I have to tomorrow but today. Today I am angry and frustrated and in needing of a strong drink.

Goodnight

Learning and Improving -- Compentence or Incompentence?

I'm not sure how we are supposed to take something things. Things happen and then how do we deal with them? What is the next step? What I find more concerning is, 'where I find the answer to that question?'

Do we look to the Internet? Well, maybe for some things but do you think the Internet is the best place for  advice, dating advice or on dealing with that other obscure hypothetical situation that is really happening. Do we look at TV and movies? I sincerely hope people don't look at Hollywood but I would imagine it is a little truer than most of us would care to admit. However in favour of Hollywood it would certainly make life easier to know that one day your prince charming will come or the girl next door will turn out to fall in love with the slightly awkward, smart and you know the drill... Is there redeeming TV? I suppose books might have some answers but I don't think I've really seen lasting self help books. It all sounds well and good but only ever a small amount of it lasts, but you did a lot of reading for seemingly just a small fraction of a change. One sentence different from a book of hundreds of pages that is your life.

However maybe that is how it goes. Maybe it's not all about making changes now about altering my life's course, not dodging the ice burgs rather gently brushing... well maybe that's a bad example. Still small little adjustments one at a time. Does this work? When confronted by something can I kinda go, 'yeah', and stay basically the same just subtly changing; so much so it is hardly noticeable.

My point was mostly that I'm not sure how well this stuff works. I don't know if any of it works if some is better or much really. Where do we get this experience from? I rather like self analysis (in healthy form) however how do you know you're analysing right? This was all sparked by this article I read about whether someone who is truly incompetent can know they are in fact incompetent. It carries on saying how to self evaluate you need to be somewhat competent. So the again how could the incompetent know they are incompetent? In fact it is often shown that people who are incompetent thing they are most defiantly competent. So am I good at knowing how to change myself for the better? Am I a competent human being? Can be a better one? Or am I kidding myself?

I think I'm doing not too bad a job. 

P.S. Article for your perusal, I thought it was interesting.
P.P.S.  Twitter I'm still working on using it.

I think I saw a 2 -- Dreams

So I had a crazy and incredibly vivid dream this morning.... hmmm, on second thought this needs some reference point for you guys.

I used to not dream. I know they say you always dream but if you can't ever recall your dreams it makes no difference whether it happened or not, trees falling in forests and all that. Once I did start dreaming (or remembering) I became a bit of a lucid dreamer. Basically a a lucid dreamer is someone who has awareness and control of their dreams. I remember this one and I was not in control and I was not aware.

Honestly it scared me some.

I dreamt of a uni assignment. My group (which has truly been a nightmare for me (not the group but one person in it)), my tutor and my presentation. Now I became aware that it was a dream about 20 minutes after I woke myself up. Basically I failed and it wasn't my fault. I failed and I was pissed about it. There was yelling, a compelling argument, good reasoning and my tutor ran off being a douche.

This was all really vivid even now about 7 hours ago. I can recall clothing I was wearing, responses and all sorts.  I mean the only things I have ever dreamt about this vividly I'm not going to share with you.

Now, I'm not one to see meaning where there is none. I trust my dreams are as far as I can control them. However maybe for once I care about something that isn't just a person. If I care as much as this suggests perhaps I should really try do it well. Still I'd rather not care too much, I don't like these dreams, hows any ones dream interpretation skills? Want to tell me its all meaningless drivel of an over active subconscious, that would make life easier.

Talk to you all soon.
I've been more active on my twitter recently. I either post funny things or stuff I found interesting. Gonna try keep it going though so if you're interested keep watch.
https://twitter.com/#!/Aejms

Yeild Points -- Stress

So I think recently I have, for nearly the first time in my life been aware of stress in myself. Aware of the worry and the concerns and I believe not just have I been aware of it but also the effect it was having on me and the way I was seeing the world a reacting to people. I think I also have noticed my ability to stay decidedly calm, for the most part. I think I'm dealing with it quite well. It is not something I have ever really thought about, stress and its effect I mean. That is not to say I haven't encountered stress.

In the past I've never been aware as I am now. I also doubt whether I have been under this kind of stress before. I may have mostly just cant recall. That is not to say it is unbearable amount. I'm not even saying I am overly stressed, just that I am stressed and think I'm dealing with it fairly well. Managing stress I imagine becomes a bigger and bigger part of our worlds. Mounting debts of houses and cars, bills for food, electricity and all that just to start and then you have your job and/or uni and/or family commitments and/or friend commitments. Each of these is another thing that can cause concern and worry. Even not overly involved in things I think it must be hard for some people to maintain the distance needed to stay healthy.

There are many things that we worry over yet we have little or no control over. If you look at the above list though people are so very capable. We are stressed but we manage all of those things all the time. It is only on occasion that it seems to or threatens to overwhelm. People should take a great encouragement in that. You are so capable and after all, full of potentials. Stress does do strange things to people however. We lose sight of the important things behind inflated egos and making small things much bigger than they are. Combinations of ego and dark imaginings are no help to anyone.

I'm trying to decide if it is worth settling for a little less in return for feeling a little happier for doing something you want to instead of need to. Unfortunately with time being time it is too often the case of doing one or the other. I think the irony is that stress isn't really real anyway. I mean we experience it however it is something that doesn't really exist except as a perception of how things may or may not be.

Not Neccesarily in that Order -- Mistakes and Friends

I hate making mistakes. I think though that I have an amazing ability to make them. I can't for the life of me seem to be able to make the right choices. Perhaps I am being overly critical and almost certainly a hard task master. Irregardless of this I want to make the right decisions. I want things to go well. In what I do, what I think, who I talk to. I can't for the life of me seem to be able to do it.

I can't help but suggest there be flaws in peoples logic and reasoning when they present ideas to me. I don't really want to be like this anymore. I hate making mistakes with people with things and I want to do better. I suppose direction would help, but equally I thought I had some direction. Maybe I don't believe enough in this direction? I certainly feel a little directionless. Or at least all the directions I wanted to go in yesterday are some how wrong today. Someone once they told me that if I was removed from the people around me I would not survive. I don't think this is true but I certainly like having people around me. There are no illusions about being a social creature.

I spoke of sacrifice with another friend of mine. We talked of the willingness to give of our selves and resources for our mates and friends. I remarked that many people are not willing to make those sacrifice that on the most part many like their friends on their terms. We decided this was a shame, but there is nothing wrong with this. I wonder if this is the same for boyfriends or girlfriends (whichever is your fancy). We are often very happy to sacrifice things we care little for but anything important to the individual quickly outstrips the needs of someones friends. This surely is not the case universally but I bet it is damn hard to pick which one is which till it happens.
I hope I'm the right kind if there is one, I hope I make the right choices, and I hope tomorrow I make fewer mistakes.

I'm OK -- Arts and Mediocrity

I'm not sure about a lot of things. I try to make things as black and white as I can, it's easier to deal with them that way. I know they are not and I know that can limit things in many ways. Recently I have in my rather limited spare thinking time been mulling over art, what people consider art, what meaning does this art have and what constitutes art. I was tempted to write those arts down as 'art' to try and show the lose meaning of the term but I think you guys have got that one.

The point of this is that I love music and I go to art galleries on occasion and half the things I hear and see have about as much meaning to me as a the scratched graffiti on the train I'm on. There is quite probably a strong argument that the majority of music in the top 40 has no meaning what so ever. To take a look at the most popular Miss Minaj...
"I get it cracking like a bad back
Bitch talkin' she the queen, when she looking like a lab rat
I'm Angelina, you Jennifer
Come on bitch, you see where Brad at
Ice my wrist's then I piss on bitches
You can suck my diznik if you take this jizzes
You don't like them disses, give my ass some kisses
Yeah they know what this is, givin this the business
Cause I pull up and I'm stuntin' but I aint a stuntman"

Like really?! This drivel is mainstream pop music. Something that is still often considered part of the arts? How does this further anything or anyone. Self-aggrandising bullshit. It has little meaning, does it make me look at things in a different light? Maybe, but I don't think it's an overly helpful light. The thing that gets me is there are some truly talented people out there but we are drowned by mediocrity. When did it become good to be just OK.

Y0u ask people what they think of things and they say it was OK. That's not good enough. Passes are often 50% since when is it OK to propagate a position based on half accurate data, I'm thankful for 50% and there is always space to improve but are we OK with half right? Surrounded and drowning in mediocrity where things strive to be OK. Each human has so much potential there is no reason why others can't do as I have. I'm not anything special really. With the exceptions of the truly upper limits most of us are fit in that bell curve and we can move in that curve. I don't know if there is any limit to my potential. If I was a little less lazy and a little more organised I'd move in my curve for sure. I'd be more, I'd be better. In the meantime I suppose I am who I am and well I could try harder. Would like to work out why I don't. Why I'm not a better person. If there are answers to such things.

I think this is why there is art.  As an idea of a moment. The moment around a feeling, a scene, an idea, a time. Something that we feared and in our awe were taken in its rapture. The pain, the beauty, the wonder. All of these things are so much the maths doesn't do it justice. I wish some of the stuff out there wasn't ok.